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Finding peace, when it is chaos inside

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The storms never seem to stop. They reside in sleep, just as strong and devastating as they are when you are awake. It gets worse at night and the only solace you can think of, is your eyes growing heavy and you lulling away into a slumber, soon to be distorted by bad dreams, profuse sweating and sleep anxiety.

It’s possibly the worst part of heart-break and loss.

I have gone crazy, and begged to my own self to stop the venomous spiral of negative thoughts, only to be followed by several more of them. I tell you, if you have been there in that spiral, churned by your own ego, you have been in the toughest sort of emotional pain.

Often rumination is more painful than the actual hurt, because then, your mind gets the space to be super creative and spin up sad stories that have never existed, or will never exist. Those stories are so convincing, and you sort of love the scope to pity yourself so much, you believe in them.

And you start living in your own head. Everything else goes for a toss, because you are literally dwelling in the busiest and most confused part of your own self – your mind.

IT’S BLOODY CHAOTIC IN THERE! But again, it is the same spot where you can make space for peace!

It’s a relief if you can calm down your mind even for a few minutes, when you are being beaten down by thousand threads of thoughts each second. Peace for a few minutes, amidst hours of chaos, can feel like sweet water to the eternally thirsty.

And trust me, when you have gotten the taste of peace once, you want to do it again…and again….and again…. It becomes addictive, until one day, you find out that the chaos is gone! That does not mean you feel magically happy though. You stay sad…but you know that it’s a feeling inside you and it will heal itself, if you can nurture it with more peace.

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A letter to every fractured heart

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Hello there!

You look beautiful today. (in case you are a man, replace that with handsome). You look amazing, despite whatever you have been through. But am sure, you are not at your best.   You have been better. And you want to be better….and you want that real quick.

I know how it is..I have been there – rejected, neglected, abandoned. It hurt…real bad. I felt angry. I felt let down by the same people, who I trusted with my vulnerability. But let me tell you a secret. Whenever they did all that to me, I hugged myself tightly and said, “Don’t worry sweetheart…you have me. I will never leave you. I will take care of you”. And I believed in those words. And kept the faith alive, till I successfully kept that promise.

There are a lot of to-do lists out there –

Things to do after you break-up

Things to do when you feel empty

Things to do when life seems meaningless

A ton of them.

I have read every tiny bit of content in those articles….even the advertisements on those pages, in hopes, I find a magic potion that would heal me instantly. If you are walking those roads of instant gratification, let me tell you, pain is more resilient than we think.

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Yes, I have not moved on!

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No I have not, I am stuck there

Like my soul has been trapped in his treasure casket.

It has tried to swim, swim out of his fragrance

But it has failed.

And all I do now is do, and undo

I delete, I undo….

I block, I unblock….

I trash, I untrash….

I erase, I write back….

I pretend, I smile, I show some teeth, hide my tears and shed them when I am alone

It’s crazy, its frantic. And I know he ain’t know.

‘Coz he seems happy in his world…

His family….the family he disdained so much…

All of a sudden he has grown so fond! There’s so much love all around

And so much of empty around me!

But why do I think all that??

I had resolved not to think! promised myself I would try and forget

I just cant

And it pricks me like thousands of needles all at once,

Like thousands of screams tearing my ears apart,

Like thousands of waves destroying my faith each day.

And it hurts….It hurts so very much.

I am breaking each moment, I am growing weak

Its undefined….its unexplained…its unidentified

But its real.

My head spins round,

my heart loses its trail…

My eyes grow puffier by every bat

My insides feel so frail!

And I don’t know if he knows.

I don’t know if he feels.

All I know, it was the best dream I ever had…

And the sweetest mare that reveals

I don’t want it to repeat, Yet I want it so much.

I have grown fond of the proximal distance

As much I love the distant proximity

I have grown fond of the anxiety, the eggshells,

I have started loving the craziness and the adventure

Peace is a long lost friend….

I have started loving my demons

And the voices that play havoc within

I like to stay lost in the poison

Stay smothered in the vicious sin

I keep remembering….keep crying…

Keep hurting my soul on and on

I keep mumbling…And keep refusing

Guess I have not yet moved on.

10 facts about infidelity

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Infidelity should never be the reason for couples breaking up. I have believed in it and still do. Forgive and move on… Here is an interesting article that I came across. I would love you to go through it.

Tripping the same old path, falling on the same old rock

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The dream house in psychopathic relations
The dream house in psychopathic relations

There are these sweet little creatures in our life, human creatures of course, that can drive us insanely happy. Its all good about them….And suddenly, some day, they get severely upset with us for defending our own boundaries and they start plotting against our sanity. Everything, right from the tip of the longest hair on our head to the tip of the longest nail of our toe, starts smelling ridiculously sinister. And then we go insanely crazy figuring out what the actual sin was, that we committed!

And then it suddenly dawns upon us that what this dear fellow is rumbling against is not something really important at all! In fact, the sinister something was never committed! It was something else! It was us trying to oppose him on grounds that were perfectly logical! And then we decide that this illogical hoopla is a tad too much! We stop interacting with this once ultimately sweet being in the hope that it will get across the message to him! That he will understand why we are hurt, and what is tormenting our souls! That he will work a little bit on his own boundary issues and learn to respect ours! And we wait for this hope to turn real. And we wait and wait and wait……..and wait. Finally, when nothing seems to be stirring up in his conscious, we feel ourselves to be over reacting. And when we convey our thoughts to him, he would only willingly reassure us of our over reaction. We think this might actually not be such a great reason to walk out! And we walk in again… And we see the sweet little fellow again in the candy-fairy paradise!

We get busy relishing the candies, when again  the air gets a bit too tense! And suddenly there is this psychotic storm heading again. The blood pressures shoot high, logic seems to have gone to the graveyard, suddenly the candies start melting and we just stare into clear space wondering what in the name of heavens is it again?? Those frowning glances, those taunting remarks, continuous spying on how many candies we consumed, lethal questions which do not have healthy answers to them, again a whirlwind break up, and this time, a resolution not to get back into the witch-trap again!

Hush! Dear good Lord! Life seems so much at peace without this candy-fellow, but we are still at war with ourselves! It is so good without him, yet so bad! We pretend not to remember him and miss him, but we miss him so so much! We cheerfully eat  out with our girlfriends to show off our sanity to the world, but inside, we are going insane! This war! Oh this war! It seems to be breaking us down into pieces! And we decide to confront him! The phone bell rings and out ear drums start dancing at the stimulation of that calm sweet voice!

‘Oh! I am so lucky he picked up my call! My savior! My dream candy fellow! I missed you so much! Why didn’t you bother to ask me where I am? I just showed I am happy! But inside, the best pessimist would be happier that I am! I have been craving for you, your voice, your smiles, your eyes!…………You taunts, your fights, your glances…..You see, I am so used to the psychotic life! Now that’s what fixes me! I want you back in my life, to give my daily dose of war to me! I need it, so that I know I am alive! Where were you????’

And the answer is, ‘I would love to be there you know! It is you who drives me out! Here, come, let me take you back to my candy house!’ Smirk…..Smirk… And we are so happy!

If you have experienced anything like this happening with you, you have been in my shoes. Forgive me the metaphors, I could not help imagining the witch’s candy house while writing this post.

Again, guys, I am a girl, so you will find a fluent use of he as the candy fellow…. Don’t take it personally. Your candy fellow might be a ‘she’!

 

The cycle of glory and silence….a typical narc cycle

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silent treatment in narc abuse

The deadly charm in those eyes could get better of you. At least it drove her insane….once more, like it had when she first met him! And then like hidden fangs, it instilled pain of such a degree that she got numb to the very realization of what torment is. Behind those eyes were oceans of emptiness, veiled under fragrant love. But she was under the spell, the charm and her senses could not pierce through the rose bed. And even after drowning and choking in the cold emptiness, today, she again basks under the fervent rays of intense romantic hallucinations…. of being his damsel…his better-half…of marriage….a small home at a small corner of her small world…of kids…of growing old with him. Today, she is yet again laid down on a bed of roses and he knows when to just push her down.

And then the removal of flowers begins. One by one he pulls out the satin flowers from under her back, while still looking into her eyes, while still kissing her heart…so that the charm remains…. And as every bud slides from under her, she feels the rusty thrash of dried thorns. It itches a bit, burns a bit more…. But those eyes….they seem to take away each scar with a loving smoothness. Realization is an expensive affair you know? It costs a lot…but she has lost all that wealth to him. She smiles on as tears and blood trickle down her soul.

But then it dawns…slowly, steadily but clearly. Those arrogant fights, those reflective moments, the sessions of identity stampeding, the monstrous screams, the sullen quietness, the holding back of love…..it all dawns upon her. And memories flood back. How things went dark in the same dark trail the last instance! How the kisses changed into hungry bites….how the soothing looks had changed into scorns…how the passionate smile was redefined into mocks…how the sweet protectiveness exchanged itself with doubts…how the white grayed into black…

But now it’s too late. The lump in the throat is worsening, the hold is tightening, the dreams are shattering, that small home is far fetched, those kids die off in thin air…the bed cracks under the weight of misery and torture. And she falls. She falls again into the unfathomed depths of silence….an eternity of darkness..The shrieks of a broken heart echo loud into her ears. And it deafens her. The brightness of that uncovered truth pinches her eyes. And she turns blind. She tries to speak so much…that now she has turned mute. And her destiny knows, she would cocoon in the envelope of darkness….till he morphs back into the same ‘King of Love’ and decides to set her free, just to encage her again…

And it goes on…….

A thought on Universal Happiness

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Image Courtesy: Zara
Image Courtesy: Zara

They say its easier said than done… Staying happy, seeking happiness for one’s own self, no matter what situation you are in. Is it actually such a difficult thing? Such a difficult action to stay happy? I don’t underestimate the power of other emotions, neither their importance. every emotion does have its own significance. Fear tells us we should protect ourselves, anger tells us something is not fair, jealousy tells us we need to be better, possessiveness says we are in love, bliss tells us this is the best we could have, divinity tells us we are connected to the creator. But happiness? It just tells us that we are happy! No second meaning, just happy! Then why is staying happy so difficult?

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Relationship and love quotes for everyday life

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“Putting conscious efforts into improving ourselves often leaves us irritated and fatigued. The yearning to improve comes from the subconscious. It is then that you really change for the good without knowing it yourself.”

“A relationship that keeps your heart jumping out of your mouth every time its your turn to speak, is not much of a relationship at all. It is more of an enclosure that trains you to morph completely into something that you are not.”

“Under the wings of love and care, we are allowed to grow beautifully. We dare to experiment and experience, knowing that the bitter part will be nullified with the sweetness of love. That is ‘Love’.”

“It is never any use looking for things that are scattered in dark, if we are not capable of igniting the lights. To work on any broken relation, it is important that we first click the lights in our own heads on, rather than blaming people around for the darkness.”

“Freedom is not a revolution, it is a very primitive elementary part of our very beings. If someone manipulates that primitive part, don’t revolt to get it back, you have it in you already! Just walk away. That helps!”

“It is about how we see the world. A bright day might seem gloomy is you have black goggles of gloom and discard on your nose. Take it off and look around. You will see love all around.”

“It is baseless cribbing about the pain. A wiser thing would be to locate the cause of the pain. It is always the disease that is cured, not the symptoms.”

“Falling in love is worthy…. Rising in love is better…. Getting reborn in love is a stunning experience, but above all, finding your inner beauty that had till now been oblivious, is the real gift that love can present. Discover yourself!”

“We all deserve a life that is dignified, respected and loved. If ever you find people around you taking these three cherished qualities away from you, try giving some of them to yourself. Respect yourself, love yourself and dignify yourself. The world will follow your footsteps.”

“If you are getting blinded, it is not love…. It is enchantment. Break free before it engulfs you. Love empowers and enlightens, it does not enchant.”

“I choose to be myself every morning. I choose to laugh at jokes that don’t provoke laughter in others, that does not make me a fool! I choose to wear a color that I am fond of, that does not make me an unfashionable pig. I choose to eat what I feel like, that does not make me feel ‘Aaawww! How can you eat that?’ I choose to be the way I am. Being one’s self is a choice, and I am happy making it every day.”

“I determine my definition of success based on what my past failures are, not based on what the society wants me succeed in.”

“Life never stops batting us down. It is easy to stay stuck to the ground, so that life does not hit the second time. It is however worth the courage, when you stand up, give life a reverse blow, put up your middle finger and walk on.”

“I don’t believe any relationship grows old and wears off. We all evolve with time and so do the relationships we are in! Something that would wear off, despite us evolving can be defined as adrenaline drug, that has now stopped stimulating our senses.”

“Be protective about the person you love, nothing is more mellow than a caring protectiveness. But stop yourself from being dominating and arrogant in the name of protectiveness.”

The Concept of Belongingness in Relationships

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Belongingness

There have been times when I have pondered upon the exact words that I could use to describe emotions in a relationship. Most of these terms are broad, having a broad meaning structure, more or less, dependent on the cultures we are brought up in. Some of the words related to a relationship, that I found to have a gross varied interpretation are ‘Love’, ‘Possession’, ‘Care’, ‘Admiration’, ‘Adoration’, ‘Mesmerization’, ‘Completion’, ‘Responsibility’, ‘Acceptance’, ‘Forgiveness’ and ‘Ownership’ and ‘Belongingness’. All these terms have different perceptions for different individuals. I have tried doing an insane amount of research and yet have not found a definition that would speak out exactly what I want to say. Ownership, possession and belongingness are the most manipulated terms that cruelly rule the rules of many relationships. This post dedicates itself to my version of belongingness, possession and ownership.

These three terms are very keenly related, yet very relative in their descriptions. Well, according to me, ‘Ownership’ and ‘Possession’ should never be given a worthy position in any relationship. We all are human beings, dignified individuals, having our values in our own eyes…. No one has the right to possess or own us…no…no one! The feeling of ‘Belongingness’ is however, elementary to any relationship. The feeling that ‘I belong here, in your life, to your heart’ is an incredibly important realization that lends strong grounds to any relation, any relation per se.

Probably, this feeling of belonging has been most cruelly used with a sharp deliberation. May couples feel belongingness to each other, but with that healthy instinct, they also feel the awkward obligation to give in completely to their partner. No, that is wrong, unhealthily, stealthily, hamperingly, incredibly wrong.

Belongingness does not close the peripheries of an individual to direct him to the center of the circle, most often which, is the partner. It is an essence that carries you to the world, opening doors to comfortable relationships which would be garnering your individual existence in a very positive manner, knowing that, if tomorrow something just turns out sour and turbid, you have someone standing behind you to catch hold of you in case you falter down. Keeping this definition in prospect, the concept of ‘Belongingness’ should be always in the first person. It has to be ‘I belong to you’ and never ‘You belong to me’. The moment it morphs into the second person, there takes birth, a feeling of ownership.

It becomes something like….. You belong to me, so you are supposed to be always protective, be always caring, be always listening, be always loving, be always forgiving, be always intent, be always intimate, be always what I want you to be! Nope! That definition is obsolete and practically unacceptable. Belongingness should free you as an individual and give you space to grow… without your partner being afraid that you would breach his defined territorial ownership and go on to rest in the arms of someone else.

I do not know how many people would agree to me, but yes, that is what I feel! If I belong to a man, I have the security that no matter what, he would be there for me. And if he belongs to me, he will have the same kind of secure feeling…. No conditions, no if-then’s, no nothing! It has all to be ‘Yes, explore your world in your manner, I am there. Only that level of confidence and trust will have me feel belonged to some person.

An Anonymous Letter

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Letter to anonymous

I am in one of those extra-ordinary moods today, which I seldom find myself in….or…often do I? May be the later. I just pull that invisible blanket over that ‘often’ to make it look like ‘seldom’. Actually, it seems like I do not like doing it much either! But sometimes the thought of making my pieces worth-reading and particularly, ‘Useful for audience’ in the words of Social media and Internet marketing strategists makes me write things that would be informative for you. Not today, because today, I chose to listen intently to what my heart sobbed out to me, not to people who earn their bucks out of advice. Today, I decide on writing a letter to ‘Nobody’, yet to ‘Everybody’. People who find a mirrory resemblance with this could view the magic of commonness, those who find me wicked could curse me in the solemn solitude of their hearts, those who do not feel nothing could as well store it as piece of literature that has a lot of ‘Similes’ and ‘Metaphors’ in it…. I leave the choice up to you!

To ______,

I wanted to say this a long ago, a very long ago, but something in me just stopped myself; something that grew in me after I met you. I can describe exactly how that growth felt. It felt warm, it felt mellow…. It felt pink, it felt satin, it felt soft grass tickling under feet. Well, whatever it was, it stopped me from telling some things to myself. You know the reason? Just because the warm little thing thought my soul would be hurt if it came to know about those honest little confessions. Today, or let me be specific, since the time I have grown more mature than my warm self, I asked that warm being in me to shut up and let the cold come over me.

There were times when I din’t know a better belongingness than you. I belonged to you, you belonged to me. But belongingness definitely does not certify a complete freedom of irradical usage. So all those times when that feeling of belonging to you pricked me somewhere intimate in my being, I grew an inch out of it and started to see, how I had stopped belonging to myself……how I had let my self flow out to you…..how I had gone out of sight from my own eyes….and how I had created a warm mellow being in my void to show to show to myself….. I needed to be consoled that love has made me warm, made me soft, made me water of a rock. Who does not love a few moments of weakness? And yes, who does not love to lose one’s self in belonging to that very special person?

But then one day, I realized at some fortunately bitter moment of realization that I somehow do not fill up the picture of belongingness, I somehow do not complete you. But tell me, what else could I give? I had already given my entirity to you, devoted my soul at the feet of your heart. I didn’t have much more to send your way. Enlightenment is not always empowering. Sometimes it gives a shock that can leave us empty from inside, because we come to realize that what we knew and believed in till today, was nothing more than a lie.

Yes, I know clearly now, how much I had lied to you and to myself! I had created an entire being, something that I am not, to suit you pretty. Words that felt sweet to your ears, colors that felt good to your eyes, character that felt food to your sense of being, strength that made you feel I am a gem of a woman! Possibly not! I am imperfect, like every other human being! But does perfection not mean stagnancy? I don’t know why I created this image. Possibly because your perfection overwhelmed me? Perhaps because the power of equal comparative overpowered me? Or may be just because I wanted to look good! Whatever the reason, it was not good an excuse enough for plotting myself up! I am just like any other girl is! I want to look and smell good. I blush when someone says I am looking good, I have the birth right to change my mind and put up fusses, it is perfectly fine if people find me difficult to understand, I am difficult, yes I am; I love to hug my girl friends and tell them how much I love them, I love to be a bitch at times, I love to walk in style in front of my boyfriends, I love the smell of lip-gloss, I love to highlight my features, but yes, every girl is somewhat similar! It is no sin to be like that!

So what I invariably was in front of you, was just an honest effort to be the person you would love to fall in love with. I thank you immensely today for this moment of realization, happy or sad really is relative, so I would not make a heartless mention of it here. I feel an idiot at times now, for obvious reasons, for having kept expectations, that you, as a mortal being, could not handle……for having asked for genuine perfection when I myself was disguised in the cover of blissful purity….for having asked for a life that I somewhere in some corner of my heart, knew was not meant for me!

I thank you for letting me see the individual I am. I have devoted hours and years to this play of ‘I can be better for you, in a better manner than you can be better for me’. I am tired now. I won’t say I have wasted these years….nothing goes waste in the universe. I have burnt ruthlessly in the hot flames of false passion and arrogance and at the bosoms of those flames, I have seen my soul in its true state, scarred, blooded, ripped, begging for healing… It has hurt a real lot, it has been a journey through the hell, when I reached out for my weakened soul. But then, I have it in me now and I can attend to it with care, affection and love now. I can bathe it in the waters of truth and bliss, I can wipe it with towels of strength and modesty and I can dress it with clothing of my warm self!

You have helped me evolve my definitions of individualism, of love, of belongingness, of me and of we. And I promise you, these versions are better than the previous notions of emotions. They are more honest, they are more transparent, they are more precise and they are more enlightening. I have not grown out of love when we parted ways, I gave grown in it. I know how to love more and be myself more now. I know how much it hurts not be one’s true self! Pretensions do not last a lifetime.

I am prepared to give up now. I am prepared to let go with whatever tinges of dignity is left for me in your eyes and of you in mine. Certain things never change. I know you have certain limitations and you know I have some of them. It is perfectly human to move on with whatever back henges we have in life. A burden or a lingering bitterness is too heavy on my soul to carry. I treasure those moments, those thoughts, those dreams for a life-time. It was really just a dream, but all dreams are not meant to be true. I have grown up to understand that and I let go.

Love, care and an ocean of warmth,

____________________