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The storms never seem to stop. They reside in sleep, just as strong and devastating as they are when you are awake. It gets worse at night and the only solace you can think of, is your eyes growing heavy and you lulling away into a slumber, soon to be distorted by bad dreams, profuse sweating and sleep anxiety.
It’s possibly the worst part of heart-break and loss.
I have gone crazy, and begged to my own self to stop the venomous spiral of negative thoughts, only to be followed by several more of them. I tell you, if you have been there in that spiral, churned by your own ego, you have been in the toughest sort of emotional pain.
Often rumination is more painful than the actual hurt, because then, your mind gets the space to be super creative and spin up sad stories that have never existed, or will never exist. Those stories are so convincing, and you sort of love the scope to pity yourself so much, you believe in them.
And you start living in your own head. Everything else goes for a toss, because you are literally dwelling in the busiest and most confused part of your own self – your mind.
IT’S BLOODY CHAOTIC IN THERE! But again, it is the same spot where you can make space for peace!
It’s a relief if you can calm down your mind even for a few minutes, when you are being beaten down by thousand threads of thoughts each second. Peace for a few minutes, amidst hours of chaos, can feel like sweet water to the eternally thirsty.
And trust me, when you have gotten the taste of peace once, you want to do it again…and again….and again…. It becomes addictive, until one day, you find out that the chaos is gone! That does not mean you feel magically happy though. You stay sad…but you know that it’s a feeling inside you and it will heal itself, if you can nurture it with more peace.
You look beautiful today. (in case you are a man, replace that with handsome). You look amazing, despite whatever you have been through. But am sure, you are not at your best. You have been better. And you want to be better….and you want that real quick.
I know how it is..I have been there – rejected, neglected, abandoned. It hurt…real bad. I felt angry. I felt let down by the same people, who I trusted with my vulnerability. But let me tell you a secret. Whenever they did all that to me, I hugged myself tightly and said, “Don’t worry sweetheart…you have me. I will never leave you. I will take care of you”. And I believed in those words. And kept the faith alive, till I successfully kept that promise.
There are a lot of to-do lists out there –
Things to do after you break-up
Things to do when you feel empty
Things to do when life seems meaningless
A ton of them.
I have read every tiny bit of content in those articles….even the advertisements on those pages, in hopes, I find a magic potion that would heal me instantly. If you are walking those roads of instant gratification, let me tell you, pain is more resilient than we think.
No I have not, I am stuck there
Like my soul has been trapped in his treasure casket.
It has tried to swim, swim out of his fragrance
But it has failed.
And all I do now is do, and undo
I delete, I undo….
I block, I unblock….
I trash, I untrash….
I erase, I write back….
I pretend, I smile, I show some teeth, hide my tears and shed them when I am alone
It’s crazy, its frantic. And I know he ain’t know.
‘Coz he seems happy in his world…
His family….the family he disdained so much…
All of a sudden he has grown so fond! There’s so much love all around
And so much of empty around me!
But why do I think all that??
I had resolved not to think! promised myself I would try and forget
I just cant
And it pricks me like thousands of needles all at once,
Like thousands of screams tearing my ears apart,
Like thousands of waves destroying my faith each day.
And it hurts….It hurts so very much.
I am breaking each moment, I am growing weak
Its undefined….its unexplained…its unidentified
But its real.
My head spins round,
my heart loses its trail…
My eyes grow puffier by every bat
My insides feel so frail!
And I don’t know if he knows.
I don’t know if he feels.
All I know, it was the best dream I ever had…
And the sweetest mare that reveals
I don’t want it to repeat, Yet I want it so much.
I have grown fond of the proximal distance
As much I love the distant proximity
I have grown fond of the anxiety, the eggshells,
I have started loving the craziness and the adventure
Peace is a long lost friend….
I have started loving my demons
And the voices that play havoc within
I like to stay lost in the poison
Stay smothered in the vicious sin
I keep remembering….keep crying…
Keep hurting my soul on and on
I keep mumbling…And keep refusing
Guess I have not yet moved on.
Infidelity should never be the reason for couples breaking up. I have believed in it and still do. Forgive and move on… Here is an interesting article that I came across. I would love you to go through it.
Love isn’t so much an emotion, says biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, as it is a brain system, one of three that’s related to mating and reproduction. It’s those other two systems that explain why human beings are capable of infidelity even as we so highly value love. Here Fisher explains more about cheating — why it occurs, how common it is and how a study shows it could potentially correlate to a gene.
1. Pairbonding is a hallmark of humanity. Data from the Demographic Yearbooks of the United Nations on 97 societies between 1947 and 1992 indicate that approximately 93.1% of women and 91.8% of men marry by age 49. More recent data indicates that some 85% of Americans will eventually marry.
- Anatomy of Love, by Helen Fisher
- The Marriage-Go-Round, by Andrew J. Cherlin
- Marriage, a History, by Stephanie Coontz
2. However, monogamy…
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There are these sweet little creatures in our life, human creatures of course, that can drive us insanely happy. Its all good about them….And suddenly, some day, they get severely upset with us for defending our own boundaries and they start plotting against our sanity. Everything, right from the tip of the longest hair on our head to the tip of the longest nail of our toe, starts smelling ridiculously sinister. And then we go insanely crazy figuring out what the actual sin was, that we committed!
And then it suddenly dawns upon us that what this dear fellow is rumbling against is not something really important at all! In fact, the sinister something was never committed! It was something else! It was us trying to oppose him on grounds that were perfectly logical! And then we decide that this illogical hoopla is a tad too much! We stop interacting with this once ultimately sweet being in the hope that it will get across the message to him! That he will understand why we are hurt, and what is tormenting our souls! That he will work a little bit on his own boundary issues and learn to respect ours! And we wait for this hope to turn real. And we wait and wait and wait……..and wait. Finally, when nothing seems to be stirring up in his conscious, we feel ourselves to be over reacting. And when we convey our thoughts to him, he would only willingly reassure us of our over reaction. We think this might actually not be such a great reason to walk out! And we walk in again… And we see the sweet little fellow again in the candy-fairy paradise!
We get busy relishing the candies, when again the air gets a bit too tense! And suddenly there is this psychotic storm heading again. The blood pressures shoot high, logic seems to have gone to the graveyard, suddenly the candies start melting and we just stare into clear space wondering what in the name of heavens is it again?? Those frowning glances, those taunting remarks, continuous spying on how many candies we consumed, lethal questions which do not have healthy answers to them, again a whirlwind break up, and this time, a resolution not to get back into the witch-trap again!
Hush! Dear good Lord! Life seems so much at peace without this candy-fellow, but we are still at war with ourselves! It is so good without him, yet so bad! We pretend not to remember him and miss him, but we miss him so so much! We cheerfully eat out with our girlfriends to show off our sanity to the world, but inside, we are going insane! This war! Oh this war! It seems to be breaking us down into pieces! And we decide to confront him! The phone bell rings and out ear drums start dancing at the stimulation of that calm sweet voice!
‘Oh! I am so lucky he picked up my call! My savior! My dream candy fellow! I missed you so much! Why didn’t you bother to ask me where I am? I just showed I am happy! But inside, the best pessimist would be happier that I am! I have been craving for you, your voice, your smiles, your eyes!…………You taunts, your fights, your glances…..You see, I am so used to the psychotic life! Now that’s what fixes me! I want you back in my life, to give my daily dose of war to me! I need it, so that I know I am alive! Where were you????’
And the answer is, ‘I would love to be there you know! It is you who drives me out! Here, come, let me take you back to my candy house!’ Smirk…..Smirk… And we are so happy!
If you have experienced anything like this happening with you, you have been in my shoes. Forgive me the metaphors, I could not help imagining the witch’s candy house while writing this post.
Again, guys, I am a girl, so you will find a fluent use of he as the candy fellow…. Don’t take it personally. Your candy fellow might be a ‘she’!
The deadly charm in those eyes could get better of you. At least it drove her insane….once more, like it had when she first met him! And then like hidden fangs, it instilled pain of such a degree that she got numb to the very realization of what torment is. Behind those eyes were oceans of emptiness, veiled under fragrant love. But she was under the spell, the charm and her senses could not pierce through the rose bed. And even after drowning and choking in the cold emptiness, today, she again basks under the fervent rays of intense romantic hallucinations…. of being his damsel…his better-half…of marriage….a small home at a small corner of her small world…of kids…of growing old with him. Today, she is yet again laid down on a bed of roses and he knows when to just push her down.
And then the removal of flowers begins. One by one he pulls out the satin flowers from under her back, while still looking into her eyes, while still kissing her heart…so that the charm remains…. And as every bud slides from under her, she feels the rusty thrash of dried thorns. It itches a bit, burns a bit more…. But those eyes….they seem to take away each scar with a loving smoothness. Realization is an expensive affair you know? It costs a lot…but she has lost all that wealth to him. She smiles on as tears and blood trickle down her soul.
But then it dawns…slowly, steadily but clearly. Those arrogant fights, those reflective moments, the sessions of identity stampeding, the monstrous screams, the sullen quietness, the holding back of love…..it all dawns upon her. And memories flood back. How things went dark in the same dark trail the last instance! How the kisses changed into hungry bites….how the soothing looks had changed into scorns…how the passionate smile was redefined into mocks…how the sweet protectiveness exchanged itself with doubts…how the white grayed into black…
But now it’s too late. The lump in the throat is worsening, the hold is tightening, the dreams are shattering, that small home is far fetched, those kids die off in thin air…the bed cracks under the weight of misery and torture. And she falls. She falls again into the unfathomed depths of silence….an eternity of darkness..The shrieks of a broken heart echo loud into her ears. And it deafens her. The brightness of that uncovered truth pinches her eyes. And she turns blind. She tries to speak so much…that now she has turned mute. And her destiny knows, she would cocoon in the envelope of darkness….till he morphs back into the same ‘King of Love’ and decides to set her free, just to encage her again…
And it goes on…….
They say its easier said than done… Staying happy, seeking happiness for one’s own self, no matter what situation you are in. Is it actually such a difficult thing? Such a difficult action to stay happy? I don’t underestimate the power of other emotions, neither their importance. every emotion does have its own significance. Fear tells us we should protect ourselves, anger tells us something is not fair, jealousy tells us we need to be better, possessiveness says we are in love, bliss tells us this is the best we could have, divinity tells us we are connected to the creator. But happiness? It just tells us that we are happy! No second meaning, just happy! Then why is staying happy so difficult?