It is not at all long, since I discovered this word. Internet is really a powerful place, and more so, a blessing for people like me who get blinded in love. More honestly put, for people who prefer to turn the ‘I am too sleepy not to dream’ switch of our brains, on. Anyways, we could sing praise about the internet later on. Let’s get straight to the point! I broke up and it is not more than 3 weeks. I am highly in a traumatic state and I feel that is but natural for almost anyone, who has chosen to break free form a 3 years long relationship.
Ask me how I am feeling, I would barely be able to explain in accurate measures, how exactly I am feeling. If you have been with a narcissist, you would agree with me. Let me first explain what a ‘Narcissist’ is. Narcissists are people who have excessive love for their own selves, well….. let’s replace the word ‘Love’. Narcissists are people who have excessive hunger for self-worth and self-acknowledgement. We all have a tiny bit of it. But that tiny bit is called self-esteem a healthy form of Narcissism. When that tiny bit takes on monstrous proportions, it converts itself to ‘Narcissism’. Ask for a metaphor and I would compare a Narcissist to a black hole, that swallows down everything that comes in its proximity to fill its own infinite hunger. But how-much-ever it takes in, its hunger never dies off. That is what a Narcissist is.
I would dedicate separate posts to better describe how narcissists actually are. Here, I would pen down some of the feelings I am going through right now. The irony is, when I was in the relationship, nothing made sense – The extreme praise at one instant and a public abuse in the next one, the comical satires regarding my looks, complimenting me with ‘you are looking sexy’ and then complimenting that complementing look of ‘After all that is how you wish to look to people!’, not calling up till ages and then an angry explanation that would put any sane person to extreme guilt, the list is almost infinite . Now everything does make perfect sense. Every word, every action, every hidden meaning, every particle and every matter makes perfect sense.
This is what I feel after I broke up:
“There has been a lot, a real lot……and somehow I am not being able to handle it. I have never felt so helpless, so powerless, so empty, such deep void, such blankness, such darkness before. It’s like I just have my body with me. My soul has been kept prisoned up somewhere, in chains and thorns. I don’t know exactly where.
I know exactly who has done this. The paradox is, I just don’t ask for my soul back, I dare not! I fear, I fear myself. I fear my intentions. I fear he might just hold me and I might choose to stay on, despite the kinds of deep accusations and abuses he has conferred upon me. I have a little feeling of self-esteem, self-worth and self-respect left. All I seem to care is his happiness, at the cost of my soul. I just want him back. I just choose to keep mum, drop a few tears, and happily submit to his arms and then forget to question him.
He is lurking there, at the back of my head, as if confident of my return. He is silently waiting for me to go to him. That is what poisonous reptiles do, don’t they? That is not what a human being would do.
Was he a human being at all? I am clueless, I just am clueless. This moment I feel I could not have met a more humane human being. The next moment, I am confused. I don’t know how such a human being can hurt me in such an inhuman way? How could he bring me back in his life time and again, just to kick me out again? And all I do is pick up my shameless ass back to him. just to be kicked again. And as if that was not enough, I apologize every time it happens and he politely accepts my apology as if he were next to God when it came to forgiveness. That moment I am lost, I am happy, I am obliges. But later on, I analyze and discover that it was never my fault in the first place! Everything was made up, created, staged, so that I had to enter and exit, enter and exit. It had almost become a pendulum routine!
Now I feel tired and confused and less confident and clueless and above all, negative. There is darkness all around ad he seems to be my only savior. ridiculous isn’t it? Knowing that he was the one to make me look crazy to myself, how in the name of hell could I expect him to save me? But that is how he has made me! He has made me to believe that he is the only person I can look up to! I am not feeling angry, no hatred, no love……I am just feeling blank and mentally paralyzed.”
Normal breakups to render you crippled. They are often mutual and both the parties have a solid ground of reasons why they would want to leave each other. But that is not the case with a Narcissist. If you are involved with some ‘N’, you would have hundreds of reasons to leave him but you would still want to pull on. The ‘N’ would not have a single reason, but he would create such a big drama, that you would feel guilty and genuinely feel that he has a hundred reasons to leave you. Under the complete spell of a Narcissist, you would feel ugly from inside, incapable of believing that you are still a beautiful human being.
If you have had such a relationship, it is definite that you were with a Narc. Run, hide, change your identity, have a plastic surgery, do whatever you can, but stay away from him!