Month: September 2014
No I have not, I am stuck there
Like my soul has been trapped in his treasure casket.
It has tried to swim, swim out of his fragrance
But it has failed.
And all I do now is do, and undo
I delete, I undo….
I block, I unblock….
I trash, I untrash….
I erase, I write back….
I pretend, I smile, I show some teeth, hide my tears and shed them when I am alone
It’s crazy, its frantic. And I know he ain’t know.
‘Coz he seems happy in his world…
His family….the family he disdained so much…
All of a sudden he has grown so fond! There’s so much love all around
And so much of empty around me!
But why do I think all that??
I had resolved not to think! promised myself I would try and forget
I just cant
And it pricks me like thousands of needles all at once,
Like thousands of screams tearing my ears apart,
Like thousands of waves destroying my faith each day.
And it hurts….It hurts so very much.
I am breaking each moment, I am growing weak
Its undefined….its unexplained…its unidentified
But its real.
My head spins round,
my heart loses its trail…
My eyes grow puffier by every bat
My insides feel so frail!
And I don’t know if he knows.
I don’t know if he feels.
All I know, it was the best dream I ever had…
And the sweetest mare that reveals
I don’t want it to repeat, Yet I want it so much.
I have grown fond of the proximal distance
As much I love the distant proximity
I have grown fond of the anxiety, the eggshells,
I have started loving the craziness and the adventure
Peace is a long lost friend….
I have started loving my demons
And the voices that play havoc within
I like to stay lost in the poison
Stay smothered in the vicious sin
I keep remembering….keep crying…
Keep hurting my soul on and on
I keep mumbling…And keep refusing
Guess I have not yet moved on.
Infidelity should never be the reason for couples breaking up. I have believed in it and still do. Forgive and move on… Here is an interesting article that I came across. I would love you to go through it.
Love isn’t so much an emotion, says biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, as it is a brain system, one of three that’s related to mating and reproduction. It’s those other two systems that explain why human beings are capable of infidelity even as we so highly value love. Here Fisher explains more about cheating — why it occurs, how common it is and how a study shows it could potentially correlate to a gene.
1. Pairbonding is a hallmark of humanity. Data from the Demographic Yearbooks of the United Nations on 97 societies between 1947 and 1992 indicate that approximately 93.1% of women and 91.8% of men marry by age 49. More recent data indicates that some 85% of Americans will eventually marry.
- Anatomy of Love, by Helen Fisher
- The Marriage-Go-Round, by Andrew J. Cherlin
- Marriage, a History, by Stephanie Coontz
2. However, monogamy…
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There are these sweet little creatures in our life, human creatures of course, that can drive us insanely happy. Its all good about them….And suddenly, some day, they get severely upset with us for defending our own boundaries and they start plotting against our sanity. Everything, right from the tip of the longest hair on our head to the tip of the longest nail of our toe, starts smelling ridiculously sinister. And then we go insanely crazy figuring out what the actual sin was, that we committed!
And then it suddenly dawns upon us that what this dear fellow is rumbling against is not something really important at all! In fact, the sinister something was never committed! It was something else! It was us trying to oppose him on grounds that were perfectly logical! And then we decide that this illogical hoopla is a tad too much! We stop interacting with this once ultimately sweet being in the hope that it will get across the message to him! That he will understand why we are hurt, and what is tormenting our souls! That he will work a little bit on his own boundary issues and learn to respect ours! And we wait for this hope to turn real. And we wait and wait and wait……..and wait. Finally, when nothing seems to be stirring up in his conscious, we feel ourselves to be over reacting. And when we convey our thoughts to him, he would only willingly reassure us of our over reaction. We think this might actually not be such a great reason to walk out! And we walk in again… And we see the sweet little fellow again in the candy-fairy paradise!
We get busy relishing the candies, when again the air gets a bit too tense! And suddenly there is this psychotic storm heading again. The blood pressures shoot high, logic seems to have gone to the graveyard, suddenly the candies start melting and we just stare into clear space wondering what in the name of heavens is it again?? Those frowning glances, those taunting remarks, continuous spying on how many candies we consumed, lethal questions which do not have healthy answers to them, again a whirlwind break up, and this time, a resolution not to get back into the witch-trap again!
Hush! Dear good Lord! Life seems so much at peace without this candy-fellow, but we are still at war with ourselves! It is so good without him, yet so bad! We pretend not to remember him and miss him, but we miss him so so much! We cheerfully eat out with our girlfriends to show off our sanity to the world, but inside, we are going insane! This war! Oh this war! It seems to be breaking us down into pieces! And we decide to confront him! The phone bell rings and out ear drums start dancing at the stimulation of that calm sweet voice!
‘Oh! I am so lucky he picked up my call! My savior! My dream candy fellow! I missed you so much! Why didn’t you bother to ask me where I am? I just showed I am happy! But inside, the best pessimist would be happier that I am! I have been craving for you, your voice, your smiles, your eyes!…………You taunts, your fights, your glances…..You see, I am so used to the psychotic life! Now that’s what fixes me! I want you back in my life, to give my daily dose of war to me! I need it, so that I know I am alive! Where were you????’
And the answer is, ‘I would love to be there you know! It is you who drives me out! Here, come, let me take you back to my candy house!’ Smirk…..Smirk… And we are so happy!
If you have experienced anything like this happening with you, you have been in my shoes. Forgive me the metaphors, I could not help imagining the witch’s candy house while writing this post.
Again, guys, I am a girl, so you will find a fluent use of he as the candy fellow…. Don’t take it personally. Your candy fellow might be a ‘she’!