No I have not, I am stuck there
Like my soul has been trapped in his treasure casket.
It has tried to swim, swim out of his fragrance
But it has failed.
And all I do now is do, and undo
I delete, I undo….
I block, I unblock….
I trash, I untrash….
I erase, I write back….
I pretend, I smile, I show some teeth, hide my tears and shed them when I am alone
It’s crazy, its frantic. And I know he ain’t know.
‘Coz he seems happy in his world…
His family….the family he disdained so much…
All of a sudden he has grown so fond! There’s so much love all around
And so much of empty around me!
But why do I think all that??
I had resolved not to think! promised myself I would try and forget
I just cant
And it pricks me like thousands of needles all at once,
Like thousands of screams tearing my ears apart,
Like thousands of waves destroying my faith each day.
And it hurts….It hurts so very much.
I am breaking each moment, I am growing weak
Its undefined….its unexplained…its unidentified
But its real.
My head spins round,
my heart loses its trail…
My eyes grow puffier by every bat
My insides feel so frail!
And I don’t know if he knows.
I don’t know if he feels.
All I know, it was the best dream I ever had…
And the sweetest mare that reveals
I don’t want it to repeat, Yet I want it so much.
I have grown fond of the proximal distance
As much I love the distant proximity
I have grown fond of the anxiety, the eggshells,
I have started loving the craziness and the adventure
Peace is a long lost friend….
I have started loving my demons
And the voices that play havoc within
I like to stay lost in the poison
Stay smothered in the vicious sin
I keep remembering….keep crying…
Keep hurting my soul on and on
I keep mumbling…And keep refusing
Guess I have not yet moved on.
There are these sweet little creatures in our life, human creatures of course, that can drive us insanely happy. Its all good about them….And suddenly, some day, they get severely upset with us for defending our own boundaries and they start plotting against our sanity. Everything, right from the tip of the longest hair on our head to the tip of the longest nail of our toe, starts smelling ridiculously sinister. And then we go insanely crazy figuring out what the actual sin was, that we committed!
And then it suddenly dawns upon us that what this dear fellow is rumbling against is not something really important at all! In fact, the sinister something was never committed! It was something else! It was us trying to oppose him on grounds that were perfectly logical! And then we decide that this illogical hoopla is a tad too much! We stop interacting with this once ultimately sweet being in the hope that it will get across the message to him! That he will understand why we are hurt, and what is tormenting our souls! That he will work a little bit on his own boundary issues and learn to respect ours! And we wait for this hope to turn real. And we wait and wait and wait……..and wait. Finally, when nothing seems to be stirring up in his conscious, we feel ourselves to be over reacting. And when we convey our thoughts to him, he would only willingly reassure us of our over reaction. We think this might actually not be such a great reason to walk out! And we walk in again… And we see the sweet little fellow again in the candy-fairy paradise!
We get busy relishing the candies, when again the air gets a bit too tense! And suddenly there is this psychotic storm heading again. The blood pressures shoot high, logic seems to have gone to the graveyard, suddenly the candies start melting and we just stare into clear space wondering what in the name of heavens is it again?? Those frowning glances, those taunting remarks, continuous spying on how many candies we consumed, lethal questions which do not have healthy answers to them, again a whirlwind break up, and this time, a resolution not to get back into the witch-trap again!
Hush! Dear good Lord! Life seems so much at peace without this candy-fellow, but we are still at war with ourselves! It is so good without him, yet so bad! We pretend not to remember him and miss him, but we miss him so so much! We cheerfully eat out with our girlfriends to show off our sanity to the world, but inside, we are going insane! This war! Oh this war! It seems to be breaking us down into pieces! And we decide to confront him! The phone bell rings and out ear drums start dancing at the stimulation of that calm sweet voice!
‘Oh! I am so lucky he picked up my call! My savior! My dream candy fellow! I missed you so much! Why didn’t you bother to ask me where I am? I just showed I am happy! But inside, the best pessimist would be happier that I am! I have been craving for you, your voice, your smiles, your eyes!…………You taunts, your fights, your glances…..You see, I am so used to the psychotic life! Now that’s what fixes me! I want you back in my life, to give my daily dose of war to me! I need it, so that I know I am alive! Where were you????’
And the answer is, ‘I would love to be there you know! It is you who drives me out! Here, come, let me take you back to my candy house!’ Smirk…..Smirk… And we are so happy!
If you have experienced anything like this happening with you, you have been in my shoes. Forgive me the metaphors, I could not help imagining the witch’s candy house while writing this post.
Again, guys, I am a girl, so you will find a fluent use of he as the candy fellow…. Don’t take it personally. Your candy fellow might be a ‘she’!
I am in one of those extra-ordinary moods today, which I seldom find myself in….or…often do I? May be the later. I just pull that invisible blanket over that ‘often’ to make it look like ‘seldom’. Actually, it seems like I do not like doing it much either! But sometimes the thought of making my pieces worth-reading and particularly, ‘Useful for audience’ in the words of Social media and Internet marketing strategists makes me write things that would be informative for you. Not today, because today, I chose to listen intently to what my heart sobbed out to me, not to people who earn their bucks out of advice. Today, I decide on writing a letter to ‘Nobody’, yet to ‘Everybody’. People who find a mirrory resemblance with this could view the magic of commonness, those who find me wicked could curse me in the solemn solitude of their hearts, those who do not feel nothing could as well store it as piece of literature that has a lot of ‘Similes’ and ‘Metaphors’ in it…. I leave the choice up to you!
I wanted to say this a long ago, a very long ago, but something in me just stopped myself; something that grew in me after I met you. I can describe exactly how that growth felt. It felt warm, it felt mellow…. It felt pink, it felt satin, it felt soft grass tickling under feet. Well, whatever it was, it stopped me from telling some things to myself. You know the reason? Just because the warm little thing thought my soul would be hurt if it came to know about those honest little confessions. Today, or let me be specific, since the time I have grown more mature than my warm self, I asked that warm being in me to shut up and let the cold come over me.
There were times when I din’t know a better belongingness than you. I belonged to you, you belonged to me. But belongingness definitely does not certify a complete freedom of irradical usage. So all those times when that feeling of belonging to you pricked me somewhere intimate in my being, I grew an inch out of it and started to see, how I had stopped belonging to myself……how I had let my self flow out to you…..how I had gone out of sight from my own eyes….and how I had created a warm mellow being in my void to show to show to myself….. I needed to be consoled that love has made me warm, made me soft, made me water of a rock. Who does not love a few moments of weakness? And yes, who does not love to lose one’s self in belonging to that very special person?
But then one day, I realized at some fortunately bitter moment of realization that I somehow do not fill up the picture of belongingness, I somehow do not complete you. But tell me, what else could I give? I had already given my entirity to you, devoted my soul at the feet of your heart. I didn’t have much more to send your way. Enlightenment is not always empowering. Sometimes it gives a shock that can leave us empty from inside, because we come to realize that what we knew and believed in till today, was nothing more than a lie.
Yes, I know clearly now, how much I had lied to you and to myself! I had created an entire being, something that I am not, to suit you pretty. Words that felt sweet to your ears, colors that felt good to your eyes, character that felt food to your sense of being, strength that made you feel I am a gem of a woman! Possibly not! I am imperfect, like every other human being! But does perfection not mean stagnancy? I don’t know why I created this image. Possibly because your perfection overwhelmed me? Perhaps because the power of equal comparative overpowered me? Or may be just because I wanted to look good! Whatever the reason, it was not good an excuse enough for plotting myself up! I am just like any other girl is! I want to look and smell good. I blush when someone says I am looking good, I have the birth right to change my mind and put up fusses, it is perfectly fine if people find me difficult to understand, I am difficult, yes I am; I love to hug my girl friends and tell them how much I love them, I love to be a bitch at times, I love to walk in style in front of my boyfriends, I love the smell of lip-gloss, I love to highlight my features, but yes, every girl is somewhat similar! It is no sin to be like that!
So what I invariably was in front of you, was just an honest effort to be the person you would love to fall in love with. I thank you immensely today for this moment of realization, happy or sad really is relative, so I would not make a heartless mention of it here. I feel an idiot at times now, for obvious reasons, for having kept expectations, that you, as a mortal being, could not handle……for having asked for genuine perfection when I myself was disguised in the cover of blissful purity….for having asked for a life that I somewhere in some corner of my heart, knew was not meant for me!
I thank you for letting me see the individual I am. I have devoted hours and years to this play of ‘I can be better for you, in a better manner than you can be better for me’. I am tired now. I won’t say I have wasted these years….nothing goes waste in the universe. I have burnt ruthlessly in the hot flames of false passion and arrogance and at the bosoms of those flames, I have seen my soul in its true state, scarred, blooded, ripped, begging for healing… It has hurt a real lot, it has been a journey through the hell, when I reached out for my weakened soul. But then, I have it in me now and I can attend to it with care, affection and love now. I can bathe it in the waters of truth and bliss, I can wipe it with towels of strength and modesty and I can dress it with clothing of my warm self!
You have helped me evolve my definitions of individualism, of love, of belongingness, of me and of we. And I promise you, these versions are better than the previous notions of emotions. They are more honest, they are more transparent, they are more precise and they are more enlightening. I have not grown out of love when we parted ways, I gave grown in it. I know how to love more and be myself more now. I know how much it hurts not be one’s true self! Pretensions do not last a lifetime.
I am prepared to give up now. I am prepared to let go with whatever tinges of dignity is left for me in your eyes and of you in mine. Certain things never change. I know you have certain limitations and you know I have some of them. It is perfectly human to move on with whatever back henges we have in life. A burden or a lingering bitterness is too heavy on my soul to carry. I treasure those moments, those thoughts, those dreams for a life-time. It was really just a dream, but all dreams are not meant to be true. I have grown up to understand that and I let go.
Love, care and an ocean of warmth,
How many times have you seen that “You are supposed to do as I say” look on your spouse’s face? Or, “I have worse professional problems than you have” attitude when you return home? Or, “You just don’t understand anything!” Or a taunting “I think you enjoyed partying tonight darling, I was happy to see you happy, but you know something, I wished you would find out I was just not feeling well!” Or, “It was a good sex last night honey! You were a sex diva!” Lots of times? Then possibilities are, you are counting your years with a psychopath…….. 😦 You might think all this is natural, happens in every relationship! Even I used to think the same. But no pal! These are symptoms of abnormal relationships. And dignity is a factor that all abnormal relationships make a weapon to play with. If it is your dignity in question, and you are a bit touchy about it, your psychopathic partner is sure to play a dice game with it. Read the rest of this entry »