The storms never seem to stop. They reside in sleep, just as strong and devastating as they are when you are awake. It gets worse at night and the only solace you can think of, is your eyes growing heavy and you lulling away into a slumber, soon to be distorted by bad dreams, profuse sweating and sleep anxiety.
It’s possibly the worst part of heart-break and loss.
I have gone crazy, and begged to my own self to stop the venomous spiral of negative thoughts, only to be followed by several more of them. I tell you, if you have been there in that spiral, churned by your own ego, you have been in the toughest sort of emotional pain.
Often rumination is more painful than the actual hurt, because then, your mind gets the space to be super creative and spin up sad stories that have never existed, or will never exist. Those stories are so convincing, and you sort of love the scope to pity yourself so much, you believe in them.
And you start living in your own head. Everything else goes for a toss, because you are literally dwelling in the busiest and most confused part of your own self – your mind.
IT’S BLOODY CHAOTIC IN THERE! But again, it is the same spot where you can make space for peace!
It’s a relief if you can calm down your mind even for a few minutes, when you are being beaten down by thousand threads of thoughts each second. Peace for a few minutes, amidst hours of chaos, can feel like sweet water to the eternally thirsty.
And trust me, when you have gotten the taste of peace once, you want to do it again…and again….and again…. It becomes addictive, until one day, you find out that the chaos is gone! That does not mean you feel magically happy though. You stay sad…but you know that it’s a feeling inside you and it will heal itself, if you can nurture it with more peace.
You look beautiful today. (in case you are a man, replace that with handsome). You look amazing, despite whatever you have been through. But am sure, you are not at your best. You have been better. And you want to be better….and you want that real quick.
I know how it is..I have been there – rejected, neglected, abandoned. It hurt…real bad. I felt angry. I felt let down by the same people, who I trusted with my vulnerability. But let me tell you a secret. Whenever they did all that to me, I hugged myself tightly and said, “Don’t worry sweetheart…you have me. I will never leave you. I will take care of you”. And I believed in those words. And kept the faith alive, till I successfully kept that promise.
There are a lot of to-do lists out there –
Things to do after you break-up
Things to do when you feel empty
Things to do when life seems meaningless
A ton of them.
I have read every tiny bit of content in those articles….even the advertisements on those pages, in hopes, I find a magic potion that would heal me instantly. If you are walking those roads of instant gratification, let me tell you, pain is more resilient than we think.
Infidelity should never be the reason for couples breaking up. I have believed in it and still do. Forgive and move on… Here is an interesting article that I came across. I would love you to go through it.
Love isn’t so much an emotion, says biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, as it is a brain system, one of three that’s related to mating and reproduction. It’s those other two systems that explain why human beings are capable of infidelity even as we so highly value love. Here Fisher explains more about cheating — why it occurs, how common it is and how a study shows it could potentially correlate to a gene.
1. Pairbonding is a hallmark of humanity. Data from the Demographic Yearbooks of the United Nations on 97 societies between 1947 and 1992 indicate that approximately 93.1% of women and 91.8% of men marry by age 49. More recent data indicates that some 85% of Americans will eventually marry.
- Anatomy of Love, by Helen Fisher
- The Marriage-Go-Round, by Andrew J. Cherlin
- Marriage, a History, by Stephanie Coontz
2. However, monogamy…
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There have been times when I have pondered upon the exact words that I could use to describe emotions in a relationship. Most of these terms are broad, having a broad meaning structure, more or less, dependent on the cultures we are brought up in. Some of the words related to a relationship, that I found to have a gross varied interpretation are ‘Love’, ‘Possession’, ‘Care’, ‘Admiration’, ‘Adoration’, ‘Mesmerization’, ‘Completion’, ‘Responsibility’, ‘Acceptance’, ‘Forgiveness’ and ‘Ownership’ and ‘Belongingness’. All these terms have different perceptions for different individuals. I have tried doing an insane amount of research and yet have not found a definition that would speak out exactly what I want to say. Ownership, possession and belongingness are the most manipulated terms that cruelly rule the rules of many relationships. This post dedicates itself to my version of belongingness, possession and ownership.
These three terms are very keenly related, yet very relative in their descriptions. Well, according to me, ‘Ownership’ and ‘Possession’ should never be given a worthy position in any relationship. We all are human beings, dignified individuals, having our values in our own eyes…. No one has the right to possess or own us…no…no one! The feeling of ‘Belongingness’ is however, elementary to any relationship. The feeling that ‘I belong here, in your life, to your heart’ is an incredibly important realization that lends strong grounds to any relation, any relation per se.
Probably, this feeling of belonging has been most cruelly used with a sharp deliberation. May couples feel belongingness to each other, but with that healthy instinct, they also feel the awkward obligation to give in completely to their partner. No, that is wrong, unhealthily, stealthily, hamperingly, incredibly wrong.
Belongingness does not close the peripheries of an individual to direct him to the center of the circle, most often which, is the partner. It is an essence that carries you to the world, opening doors to comfortable relationships which would be garnering your individual existence in a very positive manner, knowing that, if tomorrow something just turns out sour and turbid, you have someone standing behind you to catch hold of you in case you falter down. Keeping this definition in prospect, the concept of ‘Belongingness’ should be always in the first person. It has to be ‘I belong to you’ and never ‘You belong to me’. The moment it morphs into the second person, there takes birth, a feeling of ownership.
It becomes something like….. You belong to me, so you are supposed to be always protective, be always caring, be always listening, be always loving, be always forgiving, be always intent, be always intimate, be always what I want you to be! Nope! That definition is obsolete and practically unacceptable. Belongingness should free you as an individual and give you space to grow… without your partner being afraid that you would breach his defined territorial ownership and go on to rest in the arms of someone else.
I do not know how many people would agree to me, but yes, that is what I feel! If I belong to a man, I have the security that no matter what, he would be there for me. And if he belongs to me, he will have the same kind of secure feeling…. No conditions, no if-then’s, no nothing! It has all to be ‘Yes, explore your world in your manner, I am there. Only that level of confidence and trust will have me feel belonged to some person.
It is not at all long, since I discovered this word. Internet is really a powerful place, and more so, a blessing for people like me who get blinded in love. More honestly put, for people who prefer to turn the ‘I am too sleepy not to dream’ switch of our brains, on. Anyways, we could sing praise about the internet later on. Let’s get straight to the point! I broke up and it is not more than 3 weeks. I am highly in a traumatic state and I feel that is but natural for almost anyone, who has chosen to break free form a 3 years long relationship. Read the rest of this entry »
All right guys, I know I have been unforgivably irregular with this.
I won’t explain with petty reasons. You would find a string of explanation in the blogs to follow. I have been through a storm and I would love to warn my readers about anything that unpleasant, so that you don’t feel what I am feeling at this moment.
All ready to come back!
The other day, while I was waiting to board a bus back to my home from the supermarket area, I noticed an old woman, possibly lingering in her 60’s, standing by the corner of the street. I had to keep standing there for quite long. All the while the lady seemed to be waiting for someone, taxis and buses were passing by but she seemed disinterested in any transport altogether, she just seemed to be intently waiting. It was almost half an hour. I felt curious now. Why would a person, her age keep stressing her eyeballs to see a long distance across is there was someone coming, when there was no sign of any! I approached her and asked if she needed any help. I was stunned at the answer. I shall quote the reply as accurately as I remember….
“I am waiting for my husband. He accompanied me to the supermart here. On our way out, he asked me to wait here, till he would drive out the car from the parking. Seems he has forgotten that I am waiting. Must have driven back home. He would be coming back any time to pick me up.”
I asked her whether I should be helping her to her home, and pat came the reply, “What if I leave and he comes? He would be looking for me! HE would go nuts if he does not find me standing here! It won’t be long dear. I know my husband. However forgetful he is, he would come back. I am sure. Don’t worry about me. It was sweet of you to have asked though!”
That is what the feeling of reliability does in a relationship. It strengthens and nurtures. Do I need to say more?