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Weekend over, the start of a new one! Hope you all must have had a great time with your family and loved ones! At last, that special time with the ones you love, matters the most! For me, yes, I too enjoyed a lot and hence didn’t post anything for you people to read. Today I plan to write about this topic, concerning love, a feeling of possession in it and a not so welcome obsession about the person we love. It is a debatable one, hence I expect quite a few fiery comments shot at me! I will be thankful if I get that! 🙂
Love, in itself, is a pure feeling, pious and lovely; something that asks us to think about a person, smile at his remembrances, want to hold him when he needs, wish for the best that could happen to him in his life and trust him on the fact that he will be honest to us as we are to him. That’s all! Not an ounce more, nor an ounce less. It is the dream of spending life together, not because we need each other, but because we love each other and hence would like to travel the long path of life together.
One magic hint that would tell you that you are in true love is, you will think of your partner all the time, without craving like life to be physically present with him. I mean, it would be absolutely perfect if he is not around because he had something more important to attend to – Possibly a job trip or meeting a long lost friend or just out shopping for himself. You will be happy for him because whatever he is doing at the moment, is making him happy. You won’t ask him why these things are more important, and why you are not the most important part of his life! That is what true love is! But given the human nature, falling in this kind of love is actually very very difficult. There is always a tinge of possessiveness attached naturally and that is because you don’t want the person you love, to leave you. So it is absolutely fair to feel a bit insecure about your relationship.
I am sorry for using the masculine gender for the third person, but I simply cannot help, because I am a female! So forgive me if you feel I am being biased! But men, you could replace the ‘him’ with a ‘her’ at all places to relate this with yourself! Anyways, whatever sex you belong to, the feeling of being in love is uniform throughout ages, countries, races and sex! So you mandatorily need to feel these things, if you don’t do so, you either have something less than love or something more than love.
Possessiveness is the second aspect which many people confuse with love. ‘You are mine; no matter whomever you talk to, you will always give me the foremost attentive span. You belong to me and so does your life; I have the right to think for you on your behalf; I have the right to dominate your actions to a certain extent; I know what is right for our relationship and will decide on things; why do you need to watch a movie till late night with your friends?; I don’t want you to talk to this person, so you will not; you are hurting me in doing this!; I will leave you if you repeat this mistake!’ – All these are signals of a possessive relationship. More than often, every relationship has a natural ingredient of possessiveness in it, even parent feel possessive of their children! That’s is not wrong! but being too possessive, denies your partner enough breathing space! It is well, very good for your relationship, if he is completely submissive about things and does exactly what a possessive ‘you’ wants him to. but otherwise, there are chances your relationship will suffer in the long run. become extremely possessive and your partner will take it to be lack of trust and he is right in thinking so! Had you trusted, you would not have nagged him!
Possessiveness and love go hand in hand and often they cannot be distinguished. The core hint that could help you differentiate between the two is: Ask yourself whether you like doing what your partner is asking you not to do, thinking that it would be bad for you? If yes, then your partner is caring. Now think remotely, is thing thing actually going to harm you in the long term? If no, then your partner is possessive and does not want you to do that thing just because he thinks it is not right for you. He never asked you what you think. Draw you boundaries and be vocal in telling that you don’t like such kinds of interference, otherwise you would never know when this possession feeling would grow into obsession!
Obsessiveness is the most hateful condition, a relationship can be in. You get entirely swallowed up by the whims and fancies of a nagging partner and don’t have space for yourself. The prime motive of an obsessive partner is to distance you from your friends and own you completely, so much so, that your life is no more your’s. It is the pain that he feels without you being physically and mentally present for him that would drive him to separate you from all other relationships! Generally an obsessive partner would threaten you of dying if you left him or spoke to somebody else. He would keep a continuous watch on you, call you every 2 mins, message you and expect an immediate reply as though you had nothing more important to do and try to bind you with all sorts of privileges. Initially, it is very difficult to differentiate between a loving partner and an obsessive partner. the privileges, messages, phone calls and gifts are taken to be a form of care, and of course, any one would do it
The truth starts facing up when you tell him that you are sitting with a friend and spending a good time with him! He would immediately start calling, messaging, try to talk to you, in a nutshell, try to grab your attention, until your friend gets frustrated and leaves! Then, when you ask why he did this, he would justify saying that he loves you and so, has the right to talk to you at whatever time he wants! He would expect you to give him the prime focus even when you might have other important hings to do. And if, at times he allows you to have a good time with your friends and family, he would make it a point to later on remind you about his bigheartedness in doing so!
Such kinds of nagging relationships often become a burden you must have to carry because there is no way you can drop them. Threats of suicide, information that the partner is suffering severely because you are not paying attention and a cry for focus would never allow you to free yourself from this kind of relation until you are strong enough to fight your way out! But for a better future, it is imperative that you drop such a relation. And mind it, if you are trying to support and change an obsessive partner, that is not possible! Obsession can never be rectified.
Hope you find out what kind of relationship you are in right now after you have read this!
Guys, the last few write-ups that I have posted have been solely about love. This one also addresses a love relationship. However, today we delve a bit deeper, when all petty hindrances have been overcome and two souls have been merged into one for a lifetime. If you believe that this kind of relationship is stronger and would sustain all odds, well, stronger it is, but along with strength, it also displays a lot of delicacy. One small mistake, and trust can be shattered to bits and pieces. As such, there are a few things you must not do when you are in this stage of a love relationship. Read, enjoy, share and implement these steps and you will have a fabulous love life!
The list of DON’Ts is as follows:
- Have a nagging attitude. Asking, questioning and being inquisitive are way separate gestures from nagging. The later irritates a person to hell, and you would never even know when differences creep in because of this.
- Lose your faith in your partner. Trust and belief bring in a lot of positive difference in your relationship. Giving way to doubt is like inviting a lot of negativity and feuds.
- Keep secrets. Forget fidgeting with words and events. Never hide anything. Always remember, however bad the matter be, your partner will always like to hear it first from you.
- Show that you are busy. Time is probably the most important gift you can give to your lover. Part with it as generously as you can because the more time you spend with each other, the sweeter your relationship will become.
- Ignore small conflicts and clashes. Many people have this habit. Understand that quarreling without reason is just a way of attracting attention. So if your lover just flares up one day over nothing, sit with him and try to soothe him out. He just wants to be noticed more!
- Shy away from discussing. Just like your partner can quarrel and express anger, so do you. Never stay calm when you want to get mad with him. Let him know that you are upset even if he thinks it is illogical. This will clear you of the feeling that may be things would be better, had you been more expressive.
- Hold back your love. Express it abundantly and happily. Hug, kiss, cuddle and smooch as much you want to. This only shows how much you adore him. Concealed love is as good as no love at all!
- Give in to sexual relations if you don’t want it. Guys are generally more physical in showing their love. But giving way to the whims and fancies of a nagging partner is never wise. However deep your love be, please voice out your part of wants and conditions as well. It is not a crime to say no to sex if you are not much willing to have it. Listen to your heart, but don’t give way to lusts.
- Comment offensively in the worst of tussles. Women have this bad habit of using offensive statements when quarrels are at their heights. Ladies, stay away from this habit. No matter how forgiving and forgetful your partner be, some things are tough to forget, especially when they are bad. Keep the number of these things as low from your side as possible. Men also need to take care of this point!
- Insult in public even in the lightest moods. Reserve your part of views and leg pulling to be done in private. Every person expects to be supported at least by the person whom he loves in public. Give him that support. Insulting in public is sometimes worse that whacking in private!
- Be very straightforward and blunt. It is good to be transparent and honest. But being blunt and bitter is way different from being transparent. Bluntness and excessive straightforwardness are taken to be cold gestures. Don’t resort to such attitude unless you are extremely angry about something and want and immediate apology. Being calmly expressive can make things clearer in a better way.
- React immediately when something goes wrong. We all feel dejected at times and we all have the right to get mad at the person we love most. But reacting immediately can cause potential harm. Give sometime to yourself, let things settle down and then discuss them out in an elaborate fashion.
- Show that you are pleased when you are not. He will definitely like it if you agree to him. But in a love relationship, things have to be equal. Both the partners are equally rightful of their own choices. Don’t show that you are liking something when you are not. It will create a wrong impression about your personality.
- Listen to stories about others’ lovers. Keep your love story distinct from other, please. What has happened to them might just not happen to you and your relationship. Listening to stories increases the crap in your brain.
- Trust your own beliefs. I have heard many people say that they felt their partners were just not being transparent enough. Well, we feel a lot of things, but believing in all those feelings would just mess up our lives! Don’t do it! Sit and talk to your partner. Ask explanations out of him. If he does not explain, get mad at him! But don’t trust your gut feeling blindly. Believe me, more than often, it is wrong.
Fallen in love? Sure? That’s great! So now prepare yourself for a grand roller coaster ride, because the journey won’t be that easy! Many people complain of unneeded stress in a relationship. The more carefree ones are forced to take more care, dressing sense undergoes a tremendous wash up, taste buds get a new treatment, pleasant or unpleasant is not the question right now, visions clash and most importantly, ego has to go fora long stroll so that a relationship remains intact. Once we realize that we have fallen in love, we tend to keep a check on what our partners like, and do exactly the same. Well, this is one of the prime reasons why relationships meet a dead-end after sometime.
We all love certain characteristics in people. So if you have personality ‘A’ and your partner likes personality ‘B’, you could very well shield your true self to show him what he likes, and he will go all rosy about it. He will even flaunt you in front of his friends and keep you extremely high in esteem. but till what point of time? Some day, even you will feel lost, as if you have given your own self off, to the person you love and become something you never intended to! This creates a lot of frustration. This lag period would vary from person to person, depending upon how good an actor he or she is! Well, that is never a great thing to do!
Then you would find things going wrong. Your partner will suddenly be taken aback by a shift in your behavior! And that is not at all his fault! It is because you have never shown your true self to him! Being honest to the core is significant in every relation, even if that honesty is not being liked. Most stress packages are crated in relationships due to this very reason, specifically when it is your first love and in the initial stages of its development.
The only thing you can do is sit with your partner, talk to him and explain why you did whatever you did and what you want to do now. If he is really in love with you, he will accept you with all your changes in a completely new form. Spare time for each other, for some humor, no matter how busy you stay! Take time to be with him and talk to him and show him how much you love, despite all the differences creeping in. Most importantly, show confidence in the relationship. Remember never to make any negative comment about anything in the relationship, because that would invite more stress. Be yourself, but in a more humble and subtle manner and try to make your man see your true personality and admire it as well, the way he had admired what you had shown him.
So, forget all those fake make-ups, eat exactly what you want to and wear what your heart tells you. If your man does not accept you, then he was never meant for you. If he sticks to you, no matter what the differences are and how much the heat of tension is, then he deserves you. Be faithful to him.
Falling in love has reasons that extend much beyond some intrinsic feeling of the heart. It has more to do with science and biology. There might well be many sayings about love being a proprietorship of the heart, but it is not so! It has its roots in some hormonal duct and gland located somewhere in our brains. Males and females, both release these hormones, but only the quantum differs and it is all because of this difference, that the attitude of men and women towards a relationship differs. Here, I list down some of the reasons why people fall in love.
1. After puberty, the male and female bodies start preparing themselves for the responsibility towards bearing the next generation. This induces hormonal changes in the body, that cause physical changes.
2. Apart from the physical ones, there are changes in how we think about our opposite sex also! Boys can no more be just friends to girls and vise versa. This is the root cause of why we fall in love. We start scanning people, who we think can match our expectations for signals. And when we start picking up these signals, our brain tells us that we are in love.
3. When we attain puberty, it suddenly seems that we have been let out of all restrictions and ties, and are free to choose amongst people for being our future life partners. But love counts for much more! It has to be a beautiful compatibility in every sense! Everything else is just infatuation, or a trial phase, where we experiment with who suits us the best.
4. The rule of opposites attract, implies here. However strongly you advocate that you need a person who is just like you, subconsciously, we all need a person who is just the opposite in characteristics to us. Fair people like darker ones, the naughty ones need calm partners and the wise ones need somebody less mature!
5. It is a natural tendency of individuals of every species to choose partners in such a manner, that the offspring be more complete and better competent to deal with the world. That is the reason why we fall in love with people of opposite characteristics. We feel certain that the children we bear, will have healthy characteristics of both the parents.
6. It is a truth that even after we fall in love, we tend to keep looking for better people. The society holds this a stigma in majority of the nations, but it is absolutely natural to fall in love more than once in life. That is because you might have found someone, who we think might be better suitable to us. So if you have started feeling worn out with your present relationship and break-up is the only solution, don’t feel guilty and frustrated about it! everyone has the right to look for a better partner.
This is a familiar feeling which people in love often feel for each other. Some even start believing that the partner is cheating. I would name it a complex, a love inferiority complex. When we are in love, we tend to forget the world, completely forget it. And then all of a sudden, one day, we start doubting our relationship. I have gone through an exactly the same feeling and hence, I am sharing it. We tend to get more conscious about our beauty and try to flatter our partner in some way or the other. This applies for both the girl and the guy!
And believe me, it is not wrong to feel like that until a certain point! But after that, it becomes more of a bondage. When you start feeling jealous of any other beautiful girl, and your eyeball stick to your boy’s, when he is surrounded by girls, you are falling prey to this complex! We all want to look good and be good in front of the person we love, but when this want develops into a feeling that my man must look at my beauty and praise me, no one else, you are inviting potential destruction in your relationship. Trust is an important factor in any relationship, more so, when your are in a budding love relation! Don’t let doubt creep in between your relationship.
Many people, inclusive of men and women, tend to expect their partners to explain each and every action. I never understand why it is so? There is a saying, ‘never explain, the person who loves you will not need it and the person who does not love you, will not believe your explanation’. Then why do we expect explanation from the person we love most? Think about it.
Being vigilant is good. We all should be and somehow it consoles us that our relationship is not in danger. But nagging is something that is not welcome. Never display your love in the way of excessive possessiveness. It is actually a display of your inferiority feeling! Be confident of yourself, your partner and most importantly, trust your love! Rest, let things take care of themselves!
Almost all of us claim to have fallen in love at some point of time or the other. And we go all topsy-turvy, explaining how it all went. For many, this love relationship might have been strong enough to fructify into a life-long knot, for others it might have just been a beautiful, but short journey. Believe me, true love fights its way to a successful harmony for life. What then was the feeling which just faded away with time?
Many of you would debate, saying that it could just not be taken further due to family disturbances and social pressures. Bullshit! Remember, there are people who have given up everything to save their love. We tend to part off from our partners, when we ourselves, in some corner of our heart, believe that our partner is just somehow not the one!
Why did we love them at the first place at all? The explanation is this – There is an almost indistinct line between liking dearly and loving. I like to be in his company, I just feel comfortable with him, time does not have its count when we are together, we can share dreams, I am just used to him and we are just the most wonderful people together! Are you familiar with these feelings? Well the, you have got a great friend for yourself. But don’t mistake your feelings to be those tender butterflies of love! Many of us are just in hurry to fall in love and we pick up the wrong signals. And if you take these signals too seriously, mind it, you are inviting disaster for lifetime! Such relationships break down under the pressures of life!
The signs of love are somewhat different. ‘I feel responsible to him, I can’t see him worried, we fight hundreds of times, but end up hugging each other, I don’t understand, i can’t remember his faults, I give a fuck to everyone, as long as he is with me, I don’t need anyone else, I am afraid I do something that hurts him, Oh! I just love him!’ Are these the things that you have felt? Well then yes, you are definitely in love! Don’t let this guy walk out! Catch hold of him, get married and have children! This is your man!
Loving is possibly the most beautiful human emotion. But along with being the most beautiful, it as also the most complicated one and the most delicate of all other relationships. When two people feel they are compatible to each other, and that there is no one else who can take that special place in the heart, there also remains the concealed fear of losing that person. Most complications in love relationships have their roots in this fear, although there are other factors that play their roles, like family interference, social obligations and professional hindrances. Opinions are bound to differ sometimes and situations can worsen if they are not handled with conscious maturity. But that is how love is, and that is the reason it is so special! In this section,I talk about the various problems lovers can face, please don’t confuse it with couples! Hope you find my reasons and explanations somewhat resembling torments in your love relationship!