No I have not, I am stuck there
Like my soul has been trapped in his treasure casket.
It has tried to swim, swim out of his fragrance
But it has failed.
And all I do now is do, and undo
I delete, I undo….
I block, I unblock….
I trash, I untrash….
I erase, I write back….
I pretend, I smile, I show some teeth, hide my tears and shed them when I am alone
It’s crazy, its frantic. And I know he ain’t know.
‘Coz he seems happy in his world…
His family….the family he disdained so much…
All of a sudden he has grown so fond! There’s so much love all around
And so much of empty around me!
But why do I think all that??
I had resolved not to think! promised myself I would try and forget
I just cant
And it pricks me like thousands of needles all at once,
Like thousands of screams tearing my ears apart,
Like thousands of waves destroying my faith each day.
And it hurts….It hurts so very much.
I am breaking each moment, I am growing weak
Its undefined….its unexplained…its unidentified
But its real.
My head spins round,
my heart loses its trail…
My eyes grow puffier by every bat
My insides feel so frail!
And I don’t know if he knows.
I don’t know if he feels.
All I know, it was the best dream I ever had…
And the sweetest mare that reveals
I don’t want it to repeat, Yet I want it so much.
I have grown fond of the proximal distance
As much I love the distant proximity
I have grown fond of the anxiety, the eggshells,
I have started loving the craziness and the adventure
Peace is a long lost friend….
I have started loving my demons
And the voices that play havoc within
I like to stay lost in the poison
Stay smothered in the vicious sin
I keep remembering….keep crying…
Keep hurting my soul on and on
I keep mumbling…And keep refusing
Guess I have not yet moved on.
When you fall in love, oh! Everything is just so awesome, so inherently perfect and so ticklishly exciting! There is goodness and tranquility all around! So much to expect, so much to give, so much to remember, so many dates to be counted, so many gossips to be made popular, so many tantrums to be entertained happily, and so so so many other things up on the list. Days and nights loose their counts and clock becomes an immaterial invention. So what happens when this love world turns upside down? Why do we all dread break-ups and heart-breaks? Why is so much anguish surrounding the very concept of distancing from some one you love?
The human race has, since those primitive cave days, been a very protected and protective community. The capacity to feel, cry and laugh is a special gift that has been conferred upon us. There has always this feeling that the person you love stays most protected and happy when he is with you and vice-versa. In fact, that is how science explains the reason behind love. You feel good, protected and sheltered with a person and all the other butterfly kinds of feelings are related. Breaking up symbolizes the shattering down of all these core and peripheral feelings.
And who on earth would like to shatter? That is why the fear of breaking up. Try and relate. What all would you think when you are on the verge of a break up? I can list down a few out of my personal experiences for you.
- Your heart beat would increase and you would sense the heart constricting somehow, begging you to hold it so it does not explode. (And I mean it in literal terms 😦 I have experience heartaches!)
- Mornings seem gloomy even if they are shiny and feel cold even when they are warm.
- Friends are not much of a respite even though you take haven at their homes to share how brutal your partner were! At the depth of your brain, you keep reminding yourself that he was the best person you had met.
- You always stay hopeful that he would come back and the break up would not be much of a break up after all! In short, those perfect days would return.
- When you decide to move on and start dating someone else, you suddenly debate with yourself on the qualities that your ex and your date display.
- You stop taking care of yourself and do not concentrate much on how you look. just anything goes fine.
- Tears well up at public places when least expected.
- When finally you catch hold of another person you can foresee as your partner, you start imagining that you would loose him too!
Well, all this has happened to me and I know how hopeless it is to get through. There are reasons behind such drastic changes. The foremost one is that your brain sends signals down to your body that something very important is missing. Hence the anxiety. there are upheavals in hormonal secretions in the body. Hence the change in attitude, hair texture, skin texture, smiling width, loss of hunger, a gloominess, a perception that everything is bad and a hectic effort to get things back to track. Our body metabolism slows down to give more blood to the brain, because it is confused about the loss. It feels there is something missing but does not find any vital body organ missing. Some people get very ill, feel nauseatic and some even loose it, so severe is the consequence of breaking up! The phase is tremendously taxing and has effects on the mental and physical health as also, work life. This apparently continues till you are completely out of it
How can it be dealt with?
Life after break ups, seems hellish. We already described what we mean by hellish, a few scrolls above. The question is, what to do when you face the hell? Here are a few things that I did. See if they are useful to you.
- Do not take blame on yourself. More than often it is not because of a mistake or blunder that a break-up happens. More than often, it is because of incompatibility or misunderstanding. So technically, it is neither of the partners’ fault. I know it is hard to preach one’s self, but its true. So pull yourself out from under the guilt burden. Similarly, stop blaming.
- Since you are not to blame, there is no reason you should punish yourself. A break-up leaves your body in an utter disaster. taking it further by not taking care will only make things worse. When you feel weak, you feel depressed.
- Talk to people about things other than your ex. discussing brings dead things back to life. the more you crib and talk about, the more depressed you feel. Try never to bring him under your panorama of discussions.
- Friendship after break-up is bullshit. And if you are still managing to be friends just after you have broken up, perhaps you were never much in love. Friendship is possible only after a long time has passed by since you broke up, when you nearly have stopped caring about why’s and how’s of your separation.
- Try and spend time in loving yourself. That is possibly the best way to overcome a break-up after shock. Remember, even you yourself, don’t have the right to hurt yourself. Forget about another human being.
- Understand that we are an entire race. There would be people other than your ex who could make you happy. So buck up and keep looking. 🙂