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“Putting conscious efforts into improving ourselves often leaves us irritated and fatigued. The yearning to improve comes from the subconscious. It is then that you really change for the good without knowing it yourself.”
“A relationship that keeps your heart jumping out of your mouth every time its your turn to speak, is not much of a relationship at all. It is more of an enclosure that trains you to morph completely into something that you are not.”
“Under the wings of love and care, we are allowed to grow beautifully. We dare to experiment and experience, knowing that the bitter part will be nullified with the sweetness of love. That is ‘Love’.”
“It is never any use looking for things that are scattered in dark, if we are not capable of igniting the lights. To work on any broken relation, it is important that we first click the lights in our own heads on, rather than blaming people around for the darkness.”
“Freedom is not a revolution, it is a very primitive elementary part of our very beings. If someone manipulates that primitive part, don’t revolt to get it back, you have it in you already! Just walk away. That helps!”
“It is about how we see the world. A bright day might seem gloomy is you have black goggles of gloom and discard on your nose. Take it off and look around. You will see love all around.”
“It is baseless cribbing about the pain. A wiser thing would be to locate the cause of the pain. It is always the disease that is cured, not the symptoms.”
“Falling in love is worthy…. Rising in love is better…. Getting reborn in love is a stunning experience, but above all, finding your inner beauty that had till now been oblivious, is the real gift that love can present. Discover yourself!”
“We all deserve a life that is dignified, respected and loved. If ever you find people around you taking these three cherished qualities away from you, try giving some of them to yourself. Respect yourself, love yourself and dignify yourself. The world will follow your footsteps.”
“If you are getting blinded, it is not love…. It is enchantment. Break free before it engulfs you. Love empowers and enlightens, it does not enchant.”
“I choose to be myself every morning. I choose to laugh at jokes that don’t provoke laughter in others, that does not make me a fool! I choose to wear a color that I am fond of, that does not make me an unfashionable pig. I choose to eat what I feel like, that does not make me feel ‘Aaawww! How can you eat that?’ I choose to be the way I am. Being one’s self is a choice, and I am happy making it every day.”
“I determine my definition of success based on what my past failures are, not based on what the society wants me succeed in.”
“Life never stops batting us down. It is easy to stay stuck to the ground, so that life does not hit the second time. It is however worth the courage, when you stand up, give life a reverse blow, put up your middle finger and walk on.”
“I don’t believe any relationship grows old and wears off. We all evolve with time and so do the relationships we are in! Something that would wear off, despite us evolving can be defined as adrenaline drug, that has now stopped stimulating our senses.”
“Be protective about the person you love, nothing is more mellow than a caring protectiveness. But stop yourself from being dominating and arrogant in the name of protectiveness.”
There have been times when I have pondered upon the exact words that I could use to describe emotions in a relationship. Most of these terms are broad, having a broad meaning structure, more or less, dependent on the cultures we are brought up in. Some of the words related to a relationship, that I found to have a gross varied interpretation are ‘Love’, ‘Possession’, ‘Care’, ‘Admiration’, ‘Adoration’, ‘Mesmerization’, ‘Completion’, ‘Responsibility’, ‘Acceptance’, ‘Forgiveness’ and ‘Ownership’ and ‘Belongingness’. All these terms have different perceptions for different individuals. I have tried doing an insane amount of research and yet have not found a definition that would speak out exactly what I want to say. Ownership, possession and belongingness are the most manipulated terms that cruelly rule the rules of many relationships. This post dedicates itself to my version of belongingness, possession and ownership.
These three terms are very keenly related, yet very relative in their descriptions. Well, according to me, ‘Ownership’ and ‘Possession’ should never be given a worthy position in any relationship. We all are human beings, dignified individuals, having our values in our own eyes…. No one has the right to possess or own us…no…no one! The feeling of ‘Belongingness’ is however, elementary to any relationship. The feeling that ‘I belong here, in your life, to your heart’ is an incredibly important realization that lends strong grounds to any relation, any relation per se.
Probably, this feeling of belonging has been most cruelly used with a sharp deliberation. May couples feel belongingness to each other, but with that healthy instinct, they also feel the awkward obligation to give in completely to their partner. No, that is wrong, unhealthily, stealthily, hamperingly, incredibly wrong.
Belongingness does not close the peripheries of an individual to direct him to the center of the circle, most often which, is the partner. It is an essence that carries you to the world, opening doors to comfortable relationships which would be garnering your individual existence in a very positive manner, knowing that, if tomorrow something just turns out sour and turbid, you have someone standing behind you to catch hold of you in case you falter down. Keeping this definition in prospect, the concept of ‘Belongingness’ should be always in the first person. It has to be ‘I belong to you’ and never ‘You belong to me’. The moment it morphs into the second person, there takes birth, a feeling of ownership.
It becomes something like….. You belong to me, so you are supposed to be always protective, be always caring, be always listening, be always loving, be always forgiving, be always intent, be always intimate, be always what I want you to be! Nope! That definition is obsolete and practically unacceptable. Belongingness should free you as an individual and give you space to grow… without your partner being afraid that you would breach his defined territorial ownership and go on to rest in the arms of someone else.
I do not know how many people would agree to me, but yes, that is what I feel! If I belong to a man, I have the security that no matter what, he would be there for me. And if he belongs to me, he will have the same kind of secure feeling…. No conditions, no if-then’s, no nothing! It has all to be ‘Yes, explore your world in your manner, I am there. Only that level of confidence and trust will have me feel belonged to some person.
I am in one of those extra-ordinary moods today, which I seldom find myself in….or…often do I? May be the later. I just pull that invisible blanket over that ‘often’ to make it look like ‘seldom’. Actually, it seems like I do not like doing it much either! But sometimes the thought of making my pieces worth-reading and particularly, ‘Useful for audience’ in the words of Social media and Internet marketing strategists makes me write things that would be informative for you. Not today, because today, I chose to listen intently to what my heart sobbed out to me, not to people who earn their bucks out of advice. Today, I decide on writing a letter to ‘Nobody’, yet to ‘Everybody’. People who find a mirrory resemblance with this could view the magic of commonness, those who find me wicked could curse me in the solemn solitude of their hearts, those who do not feel nothing could as well store it as piece of literature that has a lot of ‘Similes’ and ‘Metaphors’ in it…. I leave the choice up to you!
I wanted to say this a long ago, a very long ago, but something in me just stopped myself; something that grew in me after I met you. I can describe exactly how that growth felt. It felt warm, it felt mellow…. It felt pink, it felt satin, it felt soft grass tickling under feet. Well, whatever it was, it stopped me from telling some things to myself. You know the reason? Just because the warm little thing thought my soul would be hurt if it came to know about those honest little confessions. Today, or let me be specific, since the time I have grown more mature than my warm self, I asked that warm being in me to shut up and let the cold come over me.
There were times when I din’t know a better belongingness than you. I belonged to you, you belonged to me. But belongingness definitely does not certify a complete freedom of irradical usage. So all those times when that feeling of belonging to you pricked me somewhere intimate in my being, I grew an inch out of it and started to see, how I had stopped belonging to myself……how I had let my self flow out to you…..how I had gone out of sight from my own eyes….and how I had created a warm mellow being in my void to show to show to myself….. I needed to be consoled that love has made me warm, made me soft, made me water of a rock. Who does not love a few moments of weakness? And yes, who does not love to lose one’s self in belonging to that very special person?
But then one day, I realized at some fortunately bitter moment of realization that I somehow do not fill up the picture of belongingness, I somehow do not complete you. But tell me, what else could I give? I had already given my entirity to you, devoted my soul at the feet of your heart. I didn’t have much more to send your way. Enlightenment is not always empowering. Sometimes it gives a shock that can leave us empty from inside, because we come to realize that what we knew and believed in till today, was nothing more than a lie.
Yes, I know clearly now, how much I had lied to you and to myself! I had created an entire being, something that I am not, to suit you pretty. Words that felt sweet to your ears, colors that felt good to your eyes, character that felt food to your sense of being, strength that made you feel I am a gem of a woman! Possibly not! I am imperfect, like every other human being! But does perfection not mean stagnancy? I don’t know why I created this image. Possibly because your perfection overwhelmed me? Perhaps because the power of equal comparative overpowered me? Or may be just because I wanted to look good! Whatever the reason, it was not good an excuse enough for plotting myself up! I am just like any other girl is! I want to look and smell good. I blush when someone says I am looking good, I have the birth right to change my mind and put up fusses, it is perfectly fine if people find me difficult to understand, I am difficult, yes I am; I love to hug my girl friends and tell them how much I love them, I love to be a bitch at times, I love to walk in style in front of my boyfriends, I love the smell of lip-gloss, I love to highlight my features, but yes, every girl is somewhat similar! It is no sin to be like that!
So what I invariably was in front of you, was just an honest effort to be the person you would love to fall in love with. I thank you immensely today for this moment of realization, happy or sad really is relative, so I would not make a heartless mention of it here. I feel an idiot at times now, for obvious reasons, for having kept expectations, that you, as a mortal being, could not handle……for having asked for genuine perfection when I myself was disguised in the cover of blissful purity….for having asked for a life that I somewhere in some corner of my heart, knew was not meant for me!
I thank you for letting me see the individual I am. I have devoted hours and years to this play of ‘I can be better for you, in a better manner than you can be better for me’. I am tired now. I won’t say I have wasted these years….nothing goes waste in the universe. I have burnt ruthlessly in the hot flames of false passion and arrogance and at the bosoms of those flames, I have seen my soul in its true state, scarred, blooded, ripped, begging for healing… It has hurt a real lot, it has been a journey through the hell, when I reached out for my weakened soul. But then, I have it in me now and I can attend to it with care, affection and love now. I can bathe it in the waters of truth and bliss, I can wipe it with towels of strength and modesty and I can dress it with clothing of my warm self!
You have helped me evolve my definitions of individualism, of love, of belongingness, of me and of we. And I promise you, these versions are better than the previous notions of emotions. They are more honest, they are more transparent, they are more precise and they are more enlightening. I have not grown out of love when we parted ways, I gave grown in it. I know how to love more and be myself more now. I know how much it hurts not be one’s true self! Pretensions do not last a lifetime.
I am prepared to give up now. I am prepared to let go with whatever tinges of dignity is left for me in your eyes and of you in mine. Certain things never change. I know you have certain limitations and you know I have some of them. It is perfectly human to move on with whatever back henges we have in life. A burden or a lingering bitterness is too heavy on my soul to carry. I treasure those moments, those thoughts, those dreams for a life-time. It was really just a dream, but all dreams are not meant to be true. I have grown up to understand that and I let go.
Love, care and an ocean of warmth,
Sitting on the concrete window platform,
Staring indistinctly at the distant tree,
My ears vaguely aware of the humming mill,
My senses lost in the spring air, fresh and free.
And what am I thinking?
Well, nothing…. To be plain.
I am just blank, just stale, just avidly inavid.
Overwhelmingly full, yet empty and insane.
It was not like this a year ago.
Oh! That moment is still fresh in me.
It was this same window brink…
It was the same mill and the same tree.
It was all the same, it still is.
But yet, every shred of every moment has changed.
Those green days witnessed my hands in yours.
Today’s autumn sees loneliness, a feel so estranged!
I remember having drowned myself in you,
Sitting under that lavish private green.
Having transgressed safely into the other world,
On losing my soul in your profound sheen.
What an ecstatic lightening it would be,
When you chose to touch me under my ribs,
I tell you, my love! I would bear it beyond my death,
Within my priced shame, without the slightest jibs.
The mellow in your eyes, the softness in their blink,
The warmth of your palms, the wetness of your kiss.
The cuddle in your chest, the strength of your arms,
The depth of your heart, what could be better a bliss?
I sit looking out in the space today,
Looking for that lost essence of love.
I swear I have searched for you in me.
I am left alone now, to sink in myself and stare above.
When you fall in love, oh! Everything is just so awesome, so inherently perfect and so ticklishly exciting! There is goodness and tranquility all around! So much to expect, so much to give, so much to remember, so many dates to be counted, so many gossips to be made popular, so many tantrums to be entertained happily, and so so so many other things up on the list. Days and nights loose their counts and clock becomes an immaterial invention. So what happens when this love world turns upside down? Why do we all dread break-ups and heart-breaks? Why is so much anguish surrounding the very concept of distancing from some one you love?
The human race has, since those primitive cave days, been a very protected and protective community. The capacity to feel, cry and laugh is a special gift that has been conferred upon us. There has always this feeling that the person you love stays most protected and happy when he is with you and vice-versa. In fact, that is how science explains the reason behind love. You feel good, protected and sheltered with a person and all the other butterfly kinds of feelings are related. Breaking up symbolizes the shattering down of all these core and peripheral feelings.
And who on earth would like to shatter? That is why the fear of breaking up. Try and relate. What all would you think when you are on the verge of a break up? I can list down a few out of my personal experiences for you.
- Your heart beat would increase and you would sense the heart constricting somehow, begging you to hold it so it does not explode. (And I mean it in literal terms 😦 I have experience heartaches!)
- Mornings seem gloomy even if they are shiny and feel cold even when they are warm.
- Friends are not much of a respite even though you take haven at their homes to share how brutal your partner were! At the depth of your brain, you keep reminding yourself that he was the best person you had met.
- You always stay hopeful that he would come back and the break up would not be much of a break up after all! In short, those perfect days would return.
- When you decide to move on and start dating someone else, you suddenly debate with yourself on the qualities that your ex and your date display.
- You stop taking care of yourself and do not concentrate much on how you look. just anything goes fine.
- Tears well up at public places when least expected.
- When finally you catch hold of another person you can foresee as your partner, you start imagining that you would loose him too!
Well, all this has happened to me and I know how hopeless it is to get through. There are reasons behind such drastic changes. The foremost one is that your brain sends signals down to your body that something very important is missing. Hence the anxiety. there are upheavals in hormonal secretions in the body. Hence the change in attitude, hair texture, skin texture, smiling width, loss of hunger, a gloominess, a perception that everything is bad and a hectic effort to get things back to track. Our body metabolism slows down to give more blood to the brain, because it is confused about the loss. It feels there is something missing but does not find any vital body organ missing. Some people get very ill, feel nauseatic and some even loose it, so severe is the consequence of breaking up! The phase is tremendously taxing and has effects on the mental and physical health as also, work life. This apparently continues till you are completely out of it
How can it be dealt with?
Life after break ups, seems hellish. We already described what we mean by hellish, a few scrolls above. The question is, what to do when you face the hell? Here are a few things that I did. See if they are useful to you.
- Do not take blame on yourself. More than often it is not because of a mistake or blunder that a break-up happens. More than often, it is because of incompatibility or misunderstanding. So technically, it is neither of the partners’ fault. I know it is hard to preach one’s self, but its true. So pull yourself out from under the guilt burden. Similarly, stop blaming.
- Since you are not to blame, there is no reason you should punish yourself. A break-up leaves your body in an utter disaster. taking it further by not taking care will only make things worse. When you feel weak, you feel depressed.
- Talk to people about things other than your ex. discussing brings dead things back to life. the more you crib and talk about, the more depressed you feel. Try never to bring him under your panorama of discussions.
- Friendship after break-up is bullshit. And if you are still managing to be friends just after you have broken up, perhaps you were never much in love. Friendship is possible only after a long time has passed by since you broke up, when you nearly have stopped caring about why’s and how’s of your separation.
- Try and spend time in loving yourself. That is possibly the best way to overcome a break-up after shock. Remember, even you yourself, don’t have the right to hurt yourself. Forget about another human being.
- Understand that we are an entire race. There would be people other than your ex who could make you happy. So buck up and keep looking. 🙂