You look beautiful today. (in case you are a man, replace that with handsome). You look amazing, despite whatever you have been through. But am sure, you are not at your best. You have been better. And you want to be better….and you want that real quick.
I know how it is..I have been there – rejected, neglected, abandoned. It hurt…real bad. I felt angry. I felt let down by the same people, who I trusted with my vulnerability. But let me tell you a secret. Whenever they did all that to me, I hugged myself tightly and said, “Don’t worry sweetheart…you have me. I will never leave you. I will take care of you”. And I believed in those words. And kept the faith alive, till I successfully kept that promise.
There are a lot of to-do lists out there –
Things to do after you break-up
Things to do when you feel empty
Things to do when life seems meaningless
A ton of them.
I have read every tiny bit of content in those articles….even the advertisements on those pages, in hopes, I find a magic potion that would heal me instantly. If you are walking those roads of instant gratification, let me tell you, pain is more resilient than we think.
I know it’s a bit odd to read about a divorce when you are looking forward to sexy tips for a great life together. Then too, I choose today to write on this topic.
Divorce and separation have become common words. You get married, stay happily for some years and then suddenly stupid differences start creeping up. And ego adds fuel to the fire. Gradually, as petty things as, ‘you don’t come early from work’ or ‘you don’t notice me as much as you did a year ago’ or simply, ‘I think I have distanced from you’ become mountains and walls, that are almost impossible to break apart. I have seen couples fighting like felines and canines on worse than petty things like ‘you have just stopped understanding me’ and then start chanting prayers for divorce.
When you fall in love, oh! Everything is just so awesome, so inherently perfect and so ticklishly exciting! There is goodness and tranquility all around! So much to expect, so much to give, so much to remember, so many dates to be counted, so many gossips to be made popular, so many tantrums to be entertained happily, and so so so many other things up on the list. Days and nights loose their counts and clock becomes an immaterial invention. So what happens when this love world turns upside down? Why do we all dread break-ups and heart-breaks? Why is so much anguish surrounding the very concept of distancing from some one you love?
The human race has, since those primitive cave days, been a very protected and protective community. The capacity to feel, cry and laugh is a special gift that has been conferred upon us. There has always this feeling that the person you love stays most protected and happy when he is with you and vice-versa. In fact, that is how science explains the reason behind love. You feel good, protected and sheltered with a person and all the other butterfly kinds of feelings are related. Breaking up symbolizes the shattering down of all these core and peripheral feelings.
And who on earth would like to shatter? That is why the fear of breaking up. Try and relate. What all would you think when you are on the verge of a break up? I can list down a few out of my personal experiences for you.
- Your heart beat would increase and you would sense the heart constricting somehow, begging you to hold it so it does not explode. (And I mean it in literal terms 😦 I have experience heartaches!)
- Mornings seem gloomy even if they are shiny and feel cold even when they are warm.
- Friends are not much of a respite even though you take haven at their homes to share how brutal your partner were! At the depth of your brain, you keep reminding yourself that he was the best person you had met.
- You always stay hopeful that he would come back and the break up would not be much of a break up after all! In short, those perfect days would return.
- When you decide to move on and start dating someone else, you suddenly debate with yourself on the qualities that your ex and your date display.
- You stop taking care of yourself and do not concentrate much on how you look. just anything goes fine.
- Tears well up at public places when least expected.
- When finally you catch hold of another person you can foresee as your partner, you start imagining that you would loose him too!
Well, all this has happened to me and I know how hopeless it is to get through. There are reasons behind such drastic changes. The foremost one is that your brain sends signals down to your body that something very important is missing. Hence the anxiety. there are upheavals in hormonal secretions in the body. Hence the change in attitude, hair texture, skin texture, smiling width, loss of hunger, a gloominess, a perception that everything is bad and a hectic effort to get things back to track. Our body metabolism slows down to give more blood to the brain, because it is confused about the loss. It feels there is something missing but does not find any vital body organ missing. Some people get very ill, feel nauseatic and some even loose it, so severe is the consequence of breaking up! The phase is tremendously taxing and has effects on the mental and physical health as also, work life. This apparently continues till you are completely out of it
How can it be dealt with?
Life after break ups, seems hellish. We already described what we mean by hellish, a few scrolls above. The question is, what to do when you face the hell? Here are a few things that I did. See if they are useful to you.
- Do not take blame on yourself. More than often it is not because of a mistake or blunder that a break-up happens. More than often, it is because of incompatibility or misunderstanding. So technically, it is neither of the partners’ fault. I know it is hard to preach one’s self, but its true. So pull yourself out from under the guilt burden. Similarly, stop blaming.
- Since you are not to blame, there is no reason you should punish yourself. A break-up leaves your body in an utter disaster. taking it further by not taking care will only make things worse. When you feel weak, you feel depressed.
- Talk to people about things other than your ex. discussing brings dead things back to life. the more you crib and talk about, the more depressed you feel. Try never to bring him under your panorama of discussions.
- Friendship after break-up is bullshit. And if you are still managing to be friends just after you have broken up, perhaps you were never much in love. Friendship is possible only after a long time has passed by since you broke up, when you nearly have stopped caring about why’s and how’s of your separation.
- Try and spend time in loving yourself. That is possibly the best way to overcome a break-up after shock. Remember, even you yourself, don’t have the right to hurt yourself. Forget about another human being.
- Understand that we are an entire race. There would be people other than your ex who could make you happy. So buck up and keep looking. 🙂
Dignity in a love relationship is often confused with ego. Is it truly so? We all have the right to live with our due dignity. After all, love or no love, we all are human beings and need to claim a scoop of respect in our lives! But that does not mean we are egoistic, does it? Sensitive, that is what I think about this issue. Today, I chose to write about the nuances of having a relationship with balanced proportions of dignity and closeness in it. Read the rest of this entry »
Long time I did not write anything substantial for my blog. Well, today I decided to make up for it. Since quite sometime I have been neutral in my writings, focusing neither on the great nor the solitary side of love. Today however, I wish to write about something that many of us might take years to realize, and some would never realize it at all – Passive aggressiveness!
Passive aggressiveness, as the name suggests, is condition when one partner shows his aggressiveness by staying passive. In other words, it can be described briefly as silence treatment. Couples in love, generally mistake signs of passive aggressiveness to be a part of the sour moments of an affair…. But it is not so! A passive aggressive partner would make you completely believe in him and then start torturing you to your core. The torture is often a confusing affair and it is your confusion that would keep you bound to him despite the torments that you have to go through. Here-under we glance at what the symptoms of passive aggressiveness could be. Read the rest of this entry »
I recently came across a post, wherein, the author had penned down about what the expectations of a man are from his girlfriend, to make her look proper and perfect to him. When I went through it, this idea of writing about ‘what women want in their men’, came to me. I have written a related thing earlier too, mentioning what women want in a relationship. Well, I must say, both these are way different. Let’s take a look at what according to me, do women want from their boyfriends and husbands, so that they can be considered perfect!
Click here for a video about what women want men to be like. But ladies, beware! Here, it is a guy speaking about a girl’s expectations!
Here’s my list of the do’s and don’ts for guys to keep a perfect picture of their own selves in front of their girls.
Do keep yourself well dressed – decent enough, for other females to catch an eye of you with your girlfriend and say, ‘wow! lucky girl! Wish that guy could be mine!’ . Yes, that’s true! Girls tend to enjoy envy. We love it when other girls see us walking the streets with our men and just keep staring! ‘BUT‘, you are not allowed to give a damn to all those girls staring at you!
Do listen to her carefully even when you think she is spitting off the worst of crap, or when you think you could have better things to do! Ideally, you should not feel any of the above 2, if you are genuinely interested in your girl. But for girls, listening and submitting, atleast in public, means respect. In private, i don’t think you would have much of an option left! 😉
Do show responsibility and take the lead, yet being chivalrous! I know this is difficult to do! I shall site an example. When I go out with my boyfriend for a date, I would expect him to ask me where I want to go. Ritualistically, I would be polite enough to choose 4-5 places and then ask him to take me where he feels best. It is then his responsibility to decide. Had he not asked me first, even though finally he was the one to choose from, I would have felt insulted! Complicated, isn’t it? But that is exactly how girls are! This was just a small example. It applies to larger things in life – family, finances, home, career decisions; everything included!
Do make it a point to tell everything to your girl! Be transparent, no secrets please! Remember, we like to hear the stories of our men as much as we want ours’ to be heard! Everything, just everything, that you feel will help walk that short distance between hearts, is to be told! Too much of a feminine statement to make, but that is it!
Don’t be extra sensitive! You might have heard many times, the funda of women wanting men to be sensitive! Yes, we love sensitive men, men who have the sense to understand how sensitive we are, not more than that. We cry, we expect our men to understand why we are crying, listen to us and pacify us! We don’t want guys to cry louder because they cannot bear us crying! Don’t flinch at petty things! Ultimately, your girl knows you are a man and wants you to behave like one!
Don’t nag at your girl and try to surround her all the while. We women love freedom as much as you men do! So please allow that small breathing space! Nagging and surrounding are things that even we have given up to a great extent! Please don’t pick up that forbidden habit from us!
Don’t shirk your career responsibilities in the process of giving time to your girl-friends! No, we don’t like it. What we hate, is a workaholic freak, freaking around with work related excuses whenever an important date goes missing from mind. But women love men who love their work, are ambitious about their goals and are dead serious about achieving them. Such an attitude, gives women a sense of personal and social security.
Don’t underestimate the importance of surprises. I have heard many males comment, ‘Honey, I came back early from my trip! Is that not a surprise by itself?’ Well, the answer is, ‘No, it is not a surprise at all! You were supposed to come back and get something that would just make me jump at you and hug you!’. Don’t dare ignore the importance of surprises in the life of a girl! Big, small does not matter! We have been brought up with fairy tales and always expect fantastic things happening surprisingly in our lives!
I conclude with this image, I dug out from somewhere! 🙂
Many men have a tough time handling their girlfriends and wives. Ridiculous, isn’t it? I mean I won’t say we are the easiest creatures to tackle but yes, we are simple enough to understand, if our men have the potential to pick up our signals and signs. Infact, some rare moments are such when we are frustrated enough to shout out our expectations. 😀 Sorry state! – These loud voices are taken to be quarrels and we suddenly become notorious for being extremely demanding towards our boyfriends and men! I list down here, 10 common things that all women require their men to do in a relationship. Follow them, and I am sure you will find a sea difference in her attitude. Read the rest of this entry »